On Norah's due date weekend, Jason and I got away because friends of ours planned a getaway weekend. It was so wonderful. We laughed together and cried together, thinking about our precious Norah. That weekend the Lord spoke clearly to me and said to "let her go." He even told me to "lay her on the alter, as Abraham laid his son Isaac on the alter." So I did, but it was hard. I knew in the moment it wasn't a push from God to forget about my little girl and just sort of move on. I knew it was a gentle invitation to release unto Him what I couldn't possibly carry on my own. She is dead and I won't see her on this earth, and there needs to be a letting go of that ideal, that pain, the deep sorrow, etc. I can't possibly allow the weight of those emotions to crush me. I needed to release her life unto Him, even if it meant my arms were empty, my heart a bit jaded, and my soul bruised and sore. I knew in that moment it was a gentle invitation to have my arms and heart open towards the future life that he decides to place in my arms. It was a way to release the past in order to make room for the new. And honestly, that felt like a surrender I was willing to make. I needed the exchange of life for death.
Jason and I visited a vineyard during this weekend. When the woman at the vineyard was talking about the pruning process that the grapes go through, tears began swelling up in my eyes. She was talking about how the plants undergo pruning and they take most of the branches off, because they are looking for the quality of the grape, not the quantity. This deeply touched me and I knew that I wasn't crying because that's how wine is made; I was crying because I felt like that grape plant, that most of my "branches" were pruned off, and I knew God was going to use this horrific event to bring about such beauty, fragrance and quality. I am not saying God caused this to happen so that I could be molded and shaped for His glory...that's not who I think God is. However, I know God allowed it to happen, and I know evil exists in this world, and I know God redeems all things.
Jason wrote a poem that weekend that I have been wanting to share.
Here is the poem Jason wrote:
"Her Bloom"
The bloom was ready
Then the wind
Hail
Rain
torn away from
The stem
The future beauty
lay in the mud
The foliage remains
The stem strong
soon stronger
The roots Deep
now run Deeper
The bloom that
was lost
leads to something
more
Beautiful
She will bloom again
Yeah, amazing, I know. He has such a gift in writing and he observed and captured my process. He put words to the deep change I was going through. Sometimes when we feel like we are losing ourselves, we need others to put words to what we are going through, because there have been times I feel like I can barely get my head up to look in the mirror. I need to be reminded of who I am and what I am going through.
The concept of something being taken away and then restored back even stronger can only be a miracle done by God. No human can make the exchange. Even the worst and most painful of situations can be turned around. We had a powerful couple in the Lord pray for us after we lost Norah. Our dear friend, spoke a word through prayer that rattled me. He said, "There will be a manifold return. There will be justice for what was stolen." This means that not only what was lost will be restored, but God's justice means that even more will be repaid. It doesn't mean that any life, ministry will replace Norah. That will never happen. But it does mean that my hands and words will bring recompense, healing, and resurrection power to those whom I minister to, and I know that reward will bring Norah pleasure. She wants me move forward with boldness and strength from heaven. She will know that even when her mom was hurting that she still is brave.
