I can't believe I haven't written about this yet. Stella has been here for 10 months and I am just now mustering up the courage to write this post!
My pregnancy with Stella was so hard and so intense. The first two trimesters were relatively okay. I didn't lose Norah until week 34, so once the 3rd trimester hit, things began getting very very real.
I had one ultrasound weekly starting at week 27 and two ultrasounds per week beginning in week 32. They measured the blood flow to the placenta mostly, because they wanted to measure the pressure in which the blood was trying to push through to the placenta. I began getting very high blood pressure around week 33/34. Mostly because of the blood pushing so hard to the placenta, so it brought my pressures up. Around week 34, they decided we needed to do a repeat c-section at 37 weeks because of my elevated blood pressure. I was so relieved! I came into the pregnancy open to a v-bac, but towards the end of my 2nd trimester, as anxiety began creeping in more, I decided to have another c-section.
At the beginning of my 3rd trimester, I was told I couldn't walk any extra and really needed to take it easy. Outside of working 2-3 days a week and everyday tasks, that was all is should do. The absolute hardest was when I hit week 34. I would go in for a check-up and they would see something they wouldn't like, and they would monitor me for a few hours and baby's activity and then send me home. That happened at least 3 times. I felt very alone during that time. I had some really close relationships fizzle out in my life and I had very few people I could rely on. I felt like it was such a deep process for me to go through that I couldn't tell just anybody. I was afraid of posting things on Facebook, or letting people know what was really happening. There was a part of me that just had tunnel vision and kept my eyes on having her here and healthy, and I didn't want any extra drama. It was one of the loneliest times of my life, one of the hardest times of my life, and one of the most frightening times in my life. Towards the end of my pregnancy I would wake up 2-4 times a night (needing to urinate of course) but also having so much fear about whether or not baby was moving. I was so restless. I felt so out of control. All I wanted was to be done being pregnant.
When I see women who have amazing birth experiences or love being in the hospital with their babies, I am just flabbergasted. I feel like that got stolen from me, and although Stella came into this world, fully alive, breathing, and crying, my body and emotions were exhausted from carrying her into this world. I was so relieved to hear her cry. I was so relieved that I was okay.
I had two c-sections in 16 months. I feel like there has been such opposition on my identity as a mother. It came with battle scars and a fierce fight that took immense strength and endurance. We crossed the finish line, tired and emotionally drained...but we crossed it. I learned through this experience that I have so little control in certain areas of my life.
With great opposition comes great anointing, authority, power, and comeback stories. When you feel at your lowest, know that it is in that very moment, God will remind you of how far he brought you. And remember that when God reminds you, your voice and story will be saturated with experience and anointing to release others free from their bondage and pain. He will deliver you. You will not be overcome. When you feel like you are sinking, remember God is near and He has a plan. He will use these hardships to strengthen your arms for battle and build you up in Him.
My near death experience changed me, from the inside out. Losing Norah has changed me forever, but the change has strengthened me, delivered me, and pushed me into growth.
When I was pregnant, God gave me some dreams. One of them was of Stella being delivered. In my dream, I had a dark haired girl handed to me after having a c-section. Another dream I had was seeing these sketches on a wall or 2 children that I would have that would be alive, healthy, and thriving. "The writing was on the wall."
After I had Stella, I felt like my body was free. I began walking as soon as I could. When I first started walking around the neighborhood, my legs burned because they weren't used to the physical movement. Being an athlete for most of my life, this was so hard for me. I then began running as soon as my body would let me and I got the clear from the doctor, and it was so freeing. It was healing for me. I began talking fitness classes twice per week to strengthen my body. I felt like I was claiming back what had been stolen from me.
The thought of being pregnant again still feels overwhelming, but doable. I know...crazy right? That I would do that all over again! The truth is, I will. Because what I receive on the other side, in my arms, is worth everything. Stella has been a joy and blessing that my heart could not imagine receiving and I love her so deep and wide.
