Faith & Healing

After Norah's death, my mind and faith got rocked about healing, my faith journey, and what it looks like to overcome. I knew almost from the beginning that God was going to be taking me on a journey of healing and faith towards wholeness. At first, I wanted the whole path laid out for me. Okay God, what does this look like? How will it end? What do you want me to do? And I didn't hear anything. I thought, there has to be a doctor, a person who has the answer and will provide me with assurance that this won't happen again, as long as I do A, B, C and D. But I heard nothing. God has spoken his promises to me, but he hasn't laid out a clear plan.

All He keeps talking to me about is faith. Faith and healing. Not being overcome by despair and hopelessness. Losing the battle and not losing the war. Faith and healing can be a controversial topic in the church. Those who go after healing can be considered radical people, and yet, I know of people who have, though Jesus Christ, healed people of cancer. I believe in that. I believe in a God of miracles, one who has storehouses in heaven, full of what is lacking on this earth. I believe there are angels who are waiting for us humans to step up to the plate and contend for healing and call down heaven. 

Then there's the practical, everyday, walking out journey of faith...where the rubber hits the road. I think this is the hard part. We hear these testimonies of God healing people and then we pray for healing. I know people who have been believing God for healing, and instead of it being a one-time prayer thing, it has turned into a healing journey. And I'm a therapist, so I understand that emotional issues can lead to physical issues, so instead of just addressing the physical condition, sometimes the emotional condition needs to be healed first. 

I was just talking to Jason this morning, that as a therapist and working in the mental health field for 7 years, I have seen all sorts of people. I see people who work hard towards their goals, owning them, wanting to change, grow, and heal. And then, I have seen more than my fair share of people who don't really want to change. They want to blame others for their problems, and they want me to fix them, as though I have some magical wand to take away their problems. I call that entitlement and laziness, unwilling to walk out their own healing journey, and expecting others to carry their load. No thanks. 

Today I read this in my devotional:

"The reason so many fall in this experience of divine healing is because they expect to have it all without a struggle, and when the conflict comes and the battle wages long, they become discouraged and surrender. God has nothing worth having that is easy. There are no cheap goods in the heavenly market. Our redemption cost all that God had to give, and everything worth having is expensive. Hard places are the very school of faith and character, and if we are to rise over mere human strength and prove the power of life divine in these mortal bodies, it must be through a process of conflict that may well be called the birth travail of a new life."

I have been asking God the keys to healing and walking in faith. I'm not talking any type of faith; I am talking the kind of faith that breaks the power of death, brings healing to the physical body, and accesses the resurrection power of Jesus Christ. I am talking about the kind of faith that brings victory in the most dire of circumstances. 

And yet, my emotions will have fear and anxiety. And yet I feel so weak at times. I know I can't live this life of faith without the very grace of my Maker, giving me every extra boost along the way. I can't expect him to take away my every fear. I am the one needing to walk out the process of speaking truth over myself and my circumstances. I do believe there are times God carries us. I do believe there are times he just lets us rest and he does the work. But I also believe that living in the Promised Land is the process of crossing the threshold, where God no longer carries us, but he asks us to walk in faith, facing our giants, and crushing them under our feet with his authority. 

I know there are days to come where I will need to be carried and I am not opposed to that. I know there are days where his grace will be what gets me out of bed and has my feet hit the floor. I fully recognize that God is made perfect in my weakness and it's okay for me to admit when I have bad days. Sometimes, I feel that when someone commits to walking a life of faith, they stop becoming real and just saying, they are having a bad day, that they somehow have to keep this act going that they are okay, as if God is convinced of it. I want to be genuine. But I also want to be made strong, having faith for the impossible, and I want to build others' faith in their own journeys.

God, I pray for more keys, more understanding on this journey of faith. I pray you would show me what unlocks healing, miracles, and faith to believe the impossible can be made possible. I pray for strength and courage in my own journey, that I would hope for the best and that you would be with me, every step of the way.

The Deep Ache

My heart feels empty this morning, aching and longing for someone I cannot have. It feels practically unbearable. The emotions translate to my body, and my body even aches and hurts. I feel completely emptied. I understand why people are addicted to things - drugs, sex, food, people, shopping, drinking, and the list could go on and on. I see how when people feel this emptiness, they run to things to numb this feeling, to make it go away. They want to somehow dull the ache and escape the depth of their emotions. If not filled with hope, it quickly goes to despair, hopelessness, depression, and pain. I have begun to recognize when I feel the emptiness. It used to scare me but now I know I can fill it with God's love, light, peace, joy, and life. This is the number one reason I know God is so real, because after all the studying of psychology, counseling, human brokenness, societal issues, social work, the mental health system, and seeing clients for several years -- the only solution to the deep ache and longing in our human condition is Jesus. No other thing, person, drink, food, clothing item, next endeavor, nothing, nothing, nothing can fill this place.

God isn't a side thing for me; He's all things for me. I haven't been perfect in this. I have run to different things throughout this time, expecting and hoping it dulls the pain...and it does for a while. But God comforts those deep places, and that is how he created me/us...to be needed in the emptiness, the ache, longing, the desert, wilderness...whatever we want to call it.

And let's not forget another weapon I have. It's called faith, and it believes in what cannot be grasped or seen yet. It not only fills the empty places with hope, but it casts my vision onto the future with a heart full of promises. It causes my eyes to look to the hills, to be so emboldened to see my future with the promises fulfilled. To not be beat up by the crashing waves or the circumstances. So not only can my heart be filled but my vision can be restored. Faith is a supernatural ability to believe in God's goodness amidst the hardship. It's an ability that does not come from my own resources but is powered by the Holy Spirit. I rest in what God says and the faith He works out in me will be the weapon against fear, discouragement, and hopelessness. Today He brought me to Hebrews 11, to remind me of the faith stories that have gone before me. God promises me vindication, restoration, and He promises me natural children. I cling to these promises so they may battle my fears. The enemy's greatest weapon against us is fear. From fear he plants doubt, despair, disappointment, and all of the other things related to that. My greatest weapons are faith and love - because faith fights fear and love casts it out.

Lord, let my roots grow deeper in you. Let my garden grow richer, more colorful and more fragrant. Let my experiences in you deepen, so that when I see you face to face, it will be as though we are familiar friends, reuniting once again.

Baby Steps & Changes

Today I am a step mom (can we just say mom...and kids instead of step-kids), therapist (starting again at the end of the month), wife, and friend. I am finding that I didn't have a plan B...I only had a plan A. I am finding that I don't really know what to do with my future. It feels weird just going back to work without being a mommy. I was planning on work being a part-time side thing and mommy being first priority. I was looking forward to that change, so what do I do now? I'm glad I have our family. In a lot of ways I do take care of the kids like they are my own...laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, baths, clothes shopping, cleaning up the house and their bedroom after I found out they have head lice, pray for their hearts, sing them songs before they sleep at night, pray over them, cry for them, etc. etc. (Just as a side note: Jason does a lot of work around here too...his list is probably twice as long as mine). So...I am a mom...but only 50% of the time. Do I move forward in my career and keep moving forward with that? Do I write a book? Quite honestly, I don't have the answers to these questions. I mean, maybe I just workout and go to the pool...that's what I'm doing today.

At this point, I am just processing. I have not come to any arrived decision, nor do I expect the answer to come from people. I know God will show me, and I know it's my own journey of womanhood/motherhood and everything else in between. I have thoroughly enjoyed being away from work, and I am quite surprised by that. I have worked hard towards something since I was young, and have worked since I can remember, so I anticipated that not working would have challenged the way I viewed myself and worth. I thought maybe I found too much meaning in working, performing, helping others...but little did I know, that along the way, God brought healing to my heart and I think I am just fine being. I don't get my value from the way I perform; I get my value and worth from something much deeper and from something much more eternal. I can be a woman at rest and be okay with myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I like to work towards something, I like working hard even, whether it's around the house or at work, but it's not my lifeline, or even close to it.

There's a place for every woman - the working mom, the stay at home mom, the part-time mom, the breast feeding mom, the non-breast feeding mom, the aunt who is like a mom, the mom with babies only in heaven, the mom who gets angry, the mom who has lost herself and wonders where she went, the mom who gets c-sections, the mom who has vaginal delivery with drugs, the mom who has vaginal delivery without drugs, the mom who becomes just like her mom, and the list could go on and on. I'll just stop there, and say there's a lot of room and there's a lot of grace.

I don't know what category I fit in right now. All I know is that I am a mom, and being a mom is my first heart's desire right now.

Hollow to Full

The experience of being emptied and feeling hollow feels hopeless at first, like a cruel trick being played on you. But then, after time passes, you realize that you are becoming filled up again, slowly different things come trickling into my soul and spirit that fill this empty place. It's in the secret place with God, under the shadow of his wings, in the shelter of my Almighty that I see the pieces of my heart mending back together.

When I open my eyes to see in this storm, I see rewards. I see God moving in our family, His Spirit breathing on the dead places that have felt hopeless. I see the kids' relationship with God come alive and active, becoming their own relationship. I feel more connected to heaven, like the cord of faith that is attached between earth and heaven has been strengthened to never be broken again. I see myself coming into this woman who has the courage to become a mother and declare life and wholeness over her womb and identity as a mom. I see determination and experience in the mirror, a new depth in my eyes, and of course some tiredness and sadness still. The winds of the storm have a way of blowing away the good things, the bad things, and the old things...but the winds of the storm do not blow away the seed, the eternal things, the unshakable things, and the new things in life yet to come. The storm is rendered powerless to the latter and I am beginning to see the new life that will come from this place, and it is more powerful than anything man-made; it's an unshakable kingdom that God has established inside of me. It's powerful enough to tear down principalities and overcome darkness in a way that I haven't known before, and it's inside of me. It's not found outside of me, in this ever-changing world. It's the living, breathing cornerstone inside of me that bursts forth in light and splendor.

My heart is still sad; I still feel shaky and anxious about my future. But I do feel thankful to be alive, to be a mom, and for the ability to have more children. Grieving has an interesting impact on people. There's a paradox where it totally destroys you, tests you, overcomes you...and then you come out on the other side, and in some cases, stronger and more valiant than ever before.

I read this today in a devotional that a friend gave me, Streams in the Desert.
"Testings are raining upon me which seem beyond my power to endure. Disappointments are raining fast, to the utter defeat of all my chosen plans. Bereavements are raining into my life, which are making my shrinking heart quiver in its intensity of suffering. The rain of affliction is surely beating down upon my soul these days.

Withal, friend, you are mistaken. It isn't raining rain for you. It's raining blessing. For, if you will but believe your Father's Word, under that beating rain are springing up spiritual flowers of such fragrance and beauty as never before grew in that stormless, unchastened life of yours.

You indeed see the rain. But do you see the flowers? You are pained by the testings. But God sees the sweet flower of faith which is upspringing in your life under those very trials."

I rest in these words today knowing that matchless, unending, unshakable beauty will emerge from the dark night of my soul. This reality gives me the hope and strength to move forward in a brave way.

The Anchor

The only thing that heals my bleeding heart is love. Love, understanding, acceptance, patience, hope, trust, safety, true friendship, and extra doses of love. In a world where we are told to be everything else but ourselves. In a world where we can't fully be and are expected to do; this is my healing ground. In a world where we are pressured to perform. I have found that I have to be my advocate. I have to express what I'm feeling, otherwise I am bottled up inside and there is no translation for my bleeding heart. There's nothing worse than feeling alone in grief; it's a sure way to spiral down fast.

What my soul and spirit needs is an anchor, a place on the inside that brings unprecedented peace. The anchor brings consistency, safety, assurance, clarity and so much more. The anchor holds me down with the crashing waves. When I feel anchored, there is a security that rests in me. It calms anxiety. There is a recognition that I, on my own, am not capable of doing this by myself. There's a recognition that there is a much greater, all-powerful, and capable counterpart that has my back and will get me through all things. There is a firm foundation and a rock that blesses my soul, flourishing the inner most parts of who I am. His name is Jesus and he is the realest, most tangible person I know. Thank you Jesus, for being my closest friend, my biggest ally, my powerful partner, and my devoted lover. Although I cannot see you in this room with me physically, I know you are here. I see you with my eyes of faith. And you are the most complete and perfect Being who can fulfill my every need. You come into those empty places and fill me with all sorts of good things. I am so relieved to call you my closest friend. Thank you for being so available and close and perfect. Thank you for your unselfish love, your empathy, listening ears and understanding. You owe me nothing and yet you give me everything. Thank you for taking care of my little girl. She is so happy with you and you are a good God, a trustworthy God. When my heart aches you are here. You are so faithful. My longings and desires for company and complete intimacy are here, with You.

Yesterday my step son Jake had a heavenly vision. He is very sensitive to the spiritual realm. He described what he saw and explained it to me. He saw a golden gate with two angels. He then saw Norah, my little girl. When asked what she looked like, he said she had curly red hair and a dress made of jewels. He then saw a bunch of children and said that these children died when they were little. He saw animals that talked. He then saw Jesus, wearing robes.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."

Lord, open my eyes even more, to be able to see you. Remove the veil from my eyes. Thank you for Jake; what a blessing he is, beyond what I could have asked for in a son. Thank you that Norah is safe and sound in your arms, that no matter where she goes in heaven or what she does, that she can see the face and talk to the anchor of her soul, that she can know true love in her very first breath, and peace floods and encompasses her being every moment of every day. Thank you that she knows me and recognizes me. And even more, thank you that she will always know you.

Guilt

I just discovered last night that I have been feeling guilt this last week. I have felt this cloud over me, this weight on my shoulders, anger and frustration with myself. I have felt the weight of guilt - and I would even say false guilt and shame. Guilt and shame that doesn't belong to me but has tried to sneak its way into my mind - "maybe there's something I could have done," "I shouldn't have done that while pregnant," "I should have done this while pregnant." These feelings of guilt are quite overpowering and irrational, but in the moment they feel like the realest thing.

I have needed friends to remind me that this wasn't my fault. I spoke with a friend today who said that Satan attacks moms when it comes to making them feel guilty, that every mom, on some level, has regrets and feels guilty about their children. That maybe if they would have done something different, that wouldn't have happened to their child. To think I caused something as big as Norah losing her life is a pretty self-centered thought, that I had that much control, especially when I was trying to do everything right. There's only so much I can do and the rest is outside of my control.

Oh yes, and the word control. What can I control, plan, predict, do, etc etc? I would love to think I'm in lots of control and I love to plan, but there are many things that are not up to me. And Lord have mercy, that can drive me nuts.

Guilt and shame block you from experiencing intimacy and love on a deeper level because it says, "there's something wrong with me," and "I'm not good enough." That leaves me feeling frustrated with myself, and literally, like I have a dark cloud over me, shackles on my feet, and a boulder on my shoulders. I have been carrying around guilt; I have been carrying around unnecessary baggage this past week. I have gone through circumstances leading up to Norah's death with a fine tooth comb, wondering if something was manipulated that the outcome would have been different. I can just see how this way of thinking put up more blocks in my relationship with God. He's calling me back to not carry the weight of guilt, to give all of this over to him. And he's doing the most comforting thing of all, reminding me that he's in control and I am not. Feeling small in his arms is a comforting feeling. Peace washes over me and I feel like I can pull up for air and breathe.

I think there are people who live their life in guilt. Who feel responsible for everything bad in their life. I can't imagine carrying around that heavy weight for longer than a week. A week is long enough, and I'm laying it down. I do not want to be in this haze any longer, where I can't think straight. I need clarity and peace and the assurance that Nancy does not control all that is in her world. I can control certain aspects and God will have to teach me what they are, because right now, I need to lay it all down.