Today I am a step mom (can we just say mom...and kids instead of step-kids), therapist (starting again at the end of the month), wife, and friend. I am finding that I didn't have a plan B...I only had a plan A. I am finding that I don't really know what to do with my future. It feels weird just going back to work without being a mommy. I was planning on work being a part-time side thing and mommy being first priority. I was looking forward to that change, so what do I do now? I'm glad I have our family. In a lot of ways I do take care of the kids like they are my own...laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, baths, clothes shopping, cleaning up the house and their bedroom after I found out they have head lice, pray for their hearts, sing them songs before they sleep at night, pray over them, cry for them, etc. etc. (Just as a side note: Jason does a lot of work around here too...his list is probably twice as long as mine). So...I am a mom...but only 50% of the time. Do I move forward in my career and keep moving forward with that? Do I write a book? Quite honestly, I don't have the answers to these questions. I mean, maybe I just workout and go to the pool...that's what I'm doing today.
At this point, I am just processing. I have not come to any arrived decision, nor do I expect the answer to come from people. I know God will show me, and I know it's my own journey of womanhood/motherhood and everything else in between. I have thoroughly enjoyed being away from work, and I am quite surprised by that. I have worked hard towards something since I was young, and have worked since I can remember, so I anticipated that not working would have challenged the way I viewed myself and worth. I thought maybe I found too much meaning in working, performing, helping others...but little did I know, that along the way, God brought healing to my heart and I think I am just fine being. I don't get my value from the way I perform; I get my value and worth from something much deeper and from something much more eternal. I can be a woman at rest and be okay with myself. Now, don't get me wrong, I like to work towards something, I like working hard even, whether it's around the house or at work, but it's not my lifeline, or even close to it.
There's a place for every woman - the working mom, the stay at home mom, the part-time mom, the breast feeding mom, the non-breast feeding mom, the aunt who is like a mom, the mom with babies only in heaven, the mom who gets angry, the mom who has lost herself and wonders where she went, the mom who gets c-sections, the mom who has vaginal delivery with drugs, the mom who has vaginal delivery without drugs, the mom who becomes just like her mom, and the list could go on and on. I'll just stop there, and say there's a lot of room and there's a lot of grace.
I don't know what category I fit in right now. All I know is that I am a mom, and being a mom is my first heart's desire right now.
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