Something I have been realizing lately is that my identity over these last several months, especially after losing Norah, has taken quite the beating. I don't know how else to phrase that...it sounds pretty harsh, but it's how I have felt. Understanding who I am as a woman and all of my roles has turned out to be quite a confusing subject to me. Of course, I do what I am not supposed to do, which is look towards other women, and wonder why they seem to have it so "figured out." They seem to be perfectly happy or content being a stay-at-home mom, or a working mom, or the combination of both. I felt like I was on this track of having my identity evolve and change into a momma. I was looking forward to a much needed break, after spending 10 years on developing my career -- college, grad school, work experience, licensure, etc.
Then what was building up went crashing down. There was already a clash happening while I was pregnant, unsure of what it "looked like" to embody the different roles in my life, and not sure what tug felt stronger. Pregnancy was a time of readjustment for me, taking more and more focus off my career and more focus onto pregnancy, family, marriage/being a wife, and raising kids with my husband. Then I lost Norah. Who am I now? What role do I embrace and live out fully? What do I do with these dreams that have been put on hold? What season does God have me in now? As you can imagine, it has felt quite confusing. I know I don't have to choose one or the other, and that I can wear multiple hats and carry out multiple roles, but these last few months have felt like these different roles inside of me have been battling for who and what takes first place.
It feels like a delicate time, one that leaves me feeling impressionable and vulnerable. I feel so mold-able and unsure of myself at times. Although I'm an extrovert, I can also be very introspective and need lots of time during life transitions to internally process through what's going on inside of me. It may take hours, days or even weeks for me to come to a conclusion. But now, I feel like I am getting deeper understanding as to what is going on inside of me.
My identity of becoming a mom was awakened and snuffed out in this last year, leaving me feeling empty and unsure of how to move forward with my life. Yet when my career and being a mom compete, being a mom still wins. The thought of becoming a mother, becoming pregnant, being a step-mom, a wife, taking care of things at home -- this is a role I long to fulfill and everything else feels dimmer, secondary, and even a poor substitute. So, being a mom and wife are the most important roles in my life as a woman, even without Norah here with me because no matter how hard I try, I cannot "un-awaken" these dreams as they have been so clearly awakened in this last year. Now I just wait, and be a step-mom, and a wife and come to fully embrace who I am in those roles. Work is important to a degree, for providing for my family and maintaining my license, and I will do my best at it, but not at the expense of my family.
This still very much feels like a raw process, but I am just today coming out on the other side of this and I feel grateful for that today.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Update
I wanted to let people know how I am doing, for those of you following our blog. It has been 5 months since we lost Norah. As you can imagine, in some ways it feels like a long time and in other ways it feels very recent. I have learned much through this time of grieving and have gained deeper insight into who I am as a woman. I have also gained deeper understanding of human suffering and pain in general and this process has confirmed truths and dispelled myths of grieving and pain.
Surprisingly, I don't cry much anymore. When I think of the time in the hospital and even when I was home before going to the hospital, it doesn't bring up fear or suffering anymore. It is beginning to already feel like my past, and a previous and different chapter of my life than the current chapter of my life. I cry every once in a while and I cry in therapy when I am working through the memories. It feels good to have my grief contained, and not spilling over into every area of my life. I began going to therapy about 3 weeks after the event. I knew that I needed to reprocess through the trauma with the lens of truth and not have it hold fear, trauma, and suffering over my life.
I am able to function every day to some degree. I chose a lot of times to not give into my emotions to stay in bed all day. I wanted to find the balance between validating myself and yet not fully giving into despair. So hard sometimes! The day I came home from the hospital, which was 3 days after we lost Norah, Jason and I went to Target, and I rode around in the wheelchair thingy. I cruised around and looked for curtains for what was going to be Norah's room. Jason and I also laughed together every time I had to back up in Target, and the wheelchair would beep 3 loud times. When I got home, I began making plans with people to come over, and started coordinating with friends and family. I chose to let people in right away. Six weeks after I lost Norah, I began running. I went about 2 mph, but nonetheless, I started running. It felt good to not give into the lie that my body is not powerful and believe the truth that I can bounce back and have more babies. I wanted to run. I wanted to love my body, despite feeling the lie that it failed me. I wanted to overcome the feeling of powerlessness, and through running and getting back in shape, I did. I lifted weights, went to exercise classes, and chose to eat even when I wasn't hungry. I made decisions to bring my body back to health.
I say all of this to look back and be grateful for the choices that I made through this. Grief does not have to make us victims of our circumstances. I will be real and honest with myself when emotions come up, because believe me, I know that I'm not done grieving. I know emotions will still come up, especially in my next pregnancy. But, I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I don't want people to feel sorry for me; I want people to rejoice with me, that I have experienced much healing these past 5 months!
And one last thing I have been thinking about quite a bit, is how my relationship with God and my husband has completely empowered me. I feel strong and able to face obstacles, because I know no matter what I am loved and accepted. If I didn't have someone like Jason here with me, every step of the way, it would be difficult. That's why I don't want others to compare their grief story to mine. First of all, we are all different and grieve differently. Secondly, I am super blessed to have an amazing husband, who is sensitive and incredibly supportive. How else would I be able to survive as a step mom, therapist, and new business owner? I also have an incredible support system outside of God and my marriage, with wonderful friends and family members.
Surprisingly, I don't cry much anymore. When I think of the time in the hospital and even when I was home before going to the hospital, it doesn't bring up fear or suffering anymore. It is beginning to already feel like my past, and a previous and different chapter of my life than the current chapter of my life. I cry every once in a while and I cry in therapy when I am working through the memories. It feels good to have my grief contained, and not spilling over into every area of my life. I began going to therapy about 3 weeks after the event. I knew that I needed to reprocess through the trauma with the lens of truth and not have it hold fear, trauma, and suffering over my life.
I am able to function every day to some degree. I chose a lot of times to not give into my emotions to stay in bed all day. I wanted to find the balance between validating myself and yet not fully giving into despair. So hard sometimes! The day I came home from the hospital, which was 3 days after we lost Norah, Jason and I went to Target, and I rode around in the wheelchair thingy. I cruised around and looked for curtains for what was going to be Norah's room. Jason and I also laughed together every time I had to back up in Target, and the wheelchair would beep 3 loud times. When I got home, I began making plans with people to come over, and started coordinating with friends and family. I chose to let people in right away. Six weeks after I lost Norah, I began running. I went about 2 mph, but nonetheless, I started running. It felt good to not give into the lie that my body is not powerful and believe the truth that I can bounce back and have more babies. I wanted to run. I wanted to love my body, despite feeling the lie that it failed me. I wanted to overcome the feeling of powerlessness, and through running and getting back in shape, I did. I lifted weights, went to exercise classes, and chose to eat even when I wasn't hungry. I made decisions to bring my body back to health.
I say all of this to look back and be grateful for the choices that I made through this. Grief does not have to make us victims of our circumstances. I will be real and honest with myself when emotions come up, because believe me, I know that I'm not done grieving. I know emotions will still come up, especially in my next pregnancy. But, I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I don't want people to feel sorry for me; I want people to rejoice with me, that I have experienced much healing these past 5 months!
And one last thing I have been thinking about quite a bit, is how my relationship with God and my husband has completely empowered me. I feel strong and able to face obstacles, because I know no matter what I am loved and accepted. If I didn't have someone like Jason here with me, every step of the way, it would be difficult. That's why I don't want others to compare their grief story to mine. First of all, we are all different and grieve differently. Secondly, I am super blessed to have an amazing husband, who is sensitive and incredibly supportive. How else would I be able to survive as a step mom, therapist, and new business owner? I also have an incredible support system outside of God and my marriage, with wonderful friends and family members.
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