Update

I wanted to let people know how I am doing, for those of you following our blog. It has been 5 months since we lost Norah. As you can imagine, in some ways it feels like a long time and in other ways it feels very recent. I have learned much through this time of grieving and have gained deeper insight into who I am as a woman. I have also gained deeper understanding of human suffering and pain in general and this process has confirmed truths and dispelled myths of grieving and pain.

Surprisingly, I don't cry much anymore. When I think of the time in the hospital and even when I was home before going to the hospital, it doesn't bring up fear or suffering anymore. It is beginning to already feel like my past, and a previous and different chapter of my life than the current chapter of my life. I cry every once in a while and I cry in therapy when I am working through the memories. It feels good to have my grief contained, and not spilling over into every area of my life. I began going to therapy about 3 weeks after the event. I knew that I needed to reprocess through the trauma with the lens of truth and not have it hold fear, trauma, and suffering over my life.

I am able to function every day to some degree. I chose a lot of times to not give into my emotions to stay in bed all day. I wanted to find the balance between validating myself and yet not fully giving into despair. So hard sometimes! The day I came home from the hospital, which was 3 days after we lost Norah, Jason and I went to Target, and I rode around in the wheelchair thingy. I cruised around and looked for curtains for what was going to be Norah's room. Jason and I also laughed together every time I had to back up in Target, and the wheelchair would beep 3 loud times. When I got home, I began making plans with people to come over, and started coordinating with friends and family. I chose to let people in right away. Six weeks after I lost Norah, I began running. I went about 2 mph, but nonetheless, I started running. It felt good to not give into the lie that my body is not powerful and believe the truth that I can bounce back and have more babies. I wanted to run. I wanted to love my body, despite feeling the lie that it failed me. I wanted to overcome the feeling of powerlessness, and through running and getting back in shape, I did. I lifted weights, went to exercise classes, and chose to eat even when I wasn't hungry. I made decisions to bring my body back to health.

I say all of this to look back and be grateful for the choices that I made through this. Grief does not have to make us victims of our circumstances. I will be real and honest with myself when emotions come up, because believe me, I know that I'm not done grieving. I know emotions will still come up, especially in my next pregnancy. But, I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I don't want people to feel sorry for me; I want people to rejoice with  me, that I have experienced much healing these past 5 months!

And one last thing I have been thinking about quite a bit, is how my relationship with God and my husband has completely empowered me. I feel strong and able to face obstacles, because I know no matter what I am loved and accepted. If I didn't have someone like Jason here with me, every step of the way, it would be difficult. That's why I don't want others to compare their grief story to mine. First of all, we are all different and grieve differently. Secondly, I am super blessed to have an amazing husband, who is sensitive and incredibly supportive. How else would I be able to survive as a step mom, therapist, and new business owner? I also have an incredible support system outside of God and my marriage, with wonderful friends and family members.