Words are hard to describe walking through a pregnancy after loss. Having a stillborn at 34 weeks and having my life be on the line while losing my child...you would think each moment of each day would be hard and anxiety filled. But, the truth is, it's not. Not each moment of each day; only certain ones. 34 weeks is a loooooong time to be pregnant. In the last 21 months, I have been pregnant for 14 months...I'm beginning to forget what life was outside of pregnancy!
And damn it, I get scared. When I lost Norah, I woke up with pain in my abdomen, 2 hours later I am being rushed into an emergency C-section where I am told my daughter is no longer alive. How can I have a "normal" pregnancy after that? The hardest part for me was of course losing her; the second hardest part was how sudden it was. It was so sudden, so abrupt, so life changing. I woke up that morning around 6:30...now in the mornings between 4 and 6 am, I notice I sleep a bit lighter and get up throughout that time period. I tune into my stomach to see how it feels.
And then questioning myself...should I bend over, should I pick this up? The questions of what I can and can't do are flying through my mind. I'm not on bed rest, and I have to live my life, so all I do is listen to my body and when I feel like I need to rest, I rest. I will, however, be on some more restrictions towards the end of my pregnancy.
My doctors and nurses tell me I can go in to the doctor whenever I want. They all love me there and are rooting for me! I've gone an extra 3 times or so just to hear her heartbeat and make sure things are okay. Starting at 32 weeks, I will be going into the doctor 2 times per week. I think it'll be more for my peace of mind.
Today I went to buy our little girl some clothes. I went to the same place I got Norah's clothes...it felt eerily familiar. There have been triggers that felt eerily familiar that happened in the same week of losing Norah. I went to get her clothes, I met with a certain friend, I felt similar tiredness. The truth is, if anything were to happen in this pregnancy, I simply don't know if I could do this again. And I know logically most likely it won't...but I am faced with a scary hill to climb. The chances may look good to the doctors or to others who are looking on us, but it feels like I'm needing to push through this time and muster all the strength and courage I can get. I also have this weird feeling of not wanting to let others down, my step-kids, my husband, the Facebook world, friends, family...
And then there's good days, where I don't think about all the fears and risks, when I'm just a pregnant mom planning for her daughter's birth. I am thinking of how to decorate her nursery or plan my life when she gets here, or think of what I want on the baby registry, and what projects around the house I want to get done, and I think about how I will balance having 4 step-kids and 1 of ours together and my career and of course, my marriage. I daydream of holding her, breastfeeding her, and being the good mom I know I will be. Then, to protect myself, I have a plan b in place...I don't like that I do that, but I just have naturally been doing that.
And then there's missing Norah, my sweet little curly red-haired girl, the one who would have been my world right now. I miss her here on this earth. I don't feel guilty for planning for my other little girl, or for loving her. I'm just scared to fully love her. I'm scared she won't make it safely in my arms. I'm walking out this path of faith and courage. I'm telling her to be strong, to just hold on and to get her little buns into this world.
I read a quote the other day that said, "Sometimes when you're in a dark place you think you've been buried, but actually you've been planted." That just about sums up this past year. It has been a painful, crazy, beautiful, deep, messy journey. It has not all been bad, believe me. I have encountered the deep love of God and people. I have been planted deep. I have lived and felt my pain. I have surrendered and let go of my very life and the people I love. I have been pushed to my limits, only to find out, that I am strong and courageous. I have not allowed fear or anxiety to control my life. I have made healthier decisions, about who I let into my life and what I let in. My roots grow even deeper and stronger than before. I feel like I'm in a good place, now I need this nugget to arrive. I know my life won't be perfect then, but my heart will be more full.
