Sometimes I am unsure of how to feel about losing Norah. Some days I don't think about it. Other days it sneaks up on me and knocks quietly at my door. Then others, it is louder and I am forced to feel the grief. I would say the last one is fewer days than I actually expected. Throughout this process I have been forced to stay true to me. I have tried others suggestions and have not tried others suggestions. I have not done a group. I did write a blog. I did go to therapy. I ran and worked out as an outlet. I didn't read books about it. I did freak out my subsequent pregnancy, at times. It gets to be mine. It gets to be yours, so let it be yours. I will say this; don't do it all alone because your heart will grow cold. Let others warm up your heart to feel and let go of the pain.
There were times I did it alone too, for self-preservation. Unhealthy people were certainly not allowed in the grieving space. And I went through a lot of change as a person; this experience has changed me so much. It has honestly made me a better person. I feel like I am still recovering parts of myself back...some part of me left for good and some are returning to me in unexpected ways.
I took time away from church. After the dust settled is when I felt angry towards God. And it wasn't an outright shaking my first anger, it was a subtle, passive anger. And this subtle, passive anger took over part of my soul until I claimed it back. I didn't want to be angry at God, but the truth is, I was. When I saw others Norah's age, I got angry. When I felt hurt or unsupported by others, I got angry. I couldn't understand why this happened to me. With the subtle, passive anger, my soul began growing numb to certain things. And honestly, I felt so much in the beginning, it was kind of nice to feel numb. Looking back, I don't regret my process because it has brought me to the place of full acceptance, and I was able to get here in my own way.
I don't know what I want to do for her 3rd anniversary, or whatever we want to call that day. That part of the process has felt the most unclear to me. I tried a couple of things for her day, and it didn't fit for me. Letting go of the balloon, getting a dessert to symbolize her birthday...I'm not sure what to do...but that is also okay. I know what not to do...I don't want to isolate or cry all day. I want to be with people and let myself feel.
I'm not as sad now as I thought I might be. Your truly do heal with time and move on from certain deaths. While she is always with me, her life is more remembered in my heart. I don't talk about her a lot. I don't write her many letters. I feel like my communication with her is on pause and I get to pick it up when I want to. I don't remember the trauma like I used to; it's a distant memory and I feel more like an observer now than an active participant in the memories.
Saturday, March 25, 2017
There is Always a New Day
There is always a new day.
There is always a new day. After you have been through the worst, there is still always a new day. The sun rises and the world keeps going, so you learn, you too, must keep going. There is new life that comes after death. Believe it or not, there is something that is purposed from this place.
I heard a woman speak about our calling. She stated it's where our talents and our burdens meet. She talked about our burdens being what we've walked through in life, and sometimes these burdens are fresh and accessible, and other times they are deeply hidden in the past. I shared part of my grief story with a client for the first time a couple weeks ago, and I shared with her in the weight of her suffering.
I knew what it felt like to feel that at any given moment, life could end in an instant. I knew that it felt like the word grief was written over my forehead, and every one should get the memo. Later that week, because of the stirring, I opened up Norah's box. I held her 8 lb bear; I wanted it to have the same effect...I wanted to put it on my chest and have it calm my fears, but it didn't. I looked through the words and letters from others. There it was. That's what I needed that day. I needed to read the words of empathy others had written and felt for us.
There is always a new day. After you have been through the worst, there is still always a new day. The sun rises and the world keeps going, so you learn, you too, must keep going. There is new life that comes after death. Believe it or not, there is something that is purposed from this place.
I heard a woman speak about our calling. She stated it's where our talents and our burdens meet. She talked about our burdens being what we've walked through in life, and sometimes these burdens are fresh and accessible, and other times they are deeply hidden in the past. I shared part of my grief story with a client for the first time a couple weeks ago, and I shared with her in the weight of her suffering.
I knew what it felt like to feel that at any given moment, life could end in an instant. I knew that it felt like the word grief was written over my forehead, and every one should get the memo. Later that week, because of the stirring, I opened up Norah's box. I held her 8 lb bear; I wanted it to have the same effect...I wanted to put it on my chest and have it calm my fears, but it didn't. I looked through the words and letters from others. There it was. That's what I needed that day. I needed to read the words of empathy others had written and felt for us.
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