This holiday season came with an unexpected wave of grief. I was surprised by it. The wave felt like it snuck up on me, catching me off guard. I woke up feeling tired, worn out, angry, and hurt...not knowing why I felt that way. I then realized at some point that the grief was here because the holiday time...Thanksgiving and Christmas, are supposed to be a time for family and friends gathering, and I expected my holidays to be much different. I imagined dressing Norah up in holiday clothes and bringing her around to family gatherings.
Sometimes I just don't know how to walk this thing out...what do I do with all of these emotions? My initial response is what we do as humans, I wanted to numb them and run away from them because I didn't understand why they were here. Then I realized, they were here to tell me something, to inform me and remind me of my loss. Instead of avoiding them, I need to embrace them and accept them as a normal response to this painful situation.
I would like to start a ritual where we honor Norah, even if it's just lighting a candle as a family. It feels honoring to her, but it also feels honoring to us as a family, that we haven't forgotten about our loss. And for this first holiday season, Thanksgiving and Christmas just aren't as bright and cheery as they normally are, and for me to accept this and be okay with it is important. Somehow lowering expectations of how I should be right now is okay, it helps me feel better in the midst of the pain.
I would imagine the day Norah died and her official due date will also be hard days. April 7th and May 4th...so instead of avoiding or numbing my emotions leading up to that day, I will embrace my emotions and grief, however they are. I don't expect every year to be super painful, and yet, those days are going to hold a special day in my heart as long as I live. And people who don't understand that obviously have not lost someone.
So this holiday season, let's honor those who have just lost loved ones, and to recognize that the time will feel a little emptier, a little less brighter, with their loved one there by their side. And instead of not talking about the person who died, let's honor them together. Let's be brave with each other and say that it's a bit dimmer without them here.
