The unexpected wave

This past week I have felt more sluggish and tired, for several reasons, but I think the main one being, I am processing another wave of grief. It was so far from the last wave; I can't remember the last wave. It truly does get farther and farther apart. 

I have two clients right now who are processing the loss of their child. Call it fate or coincidence, but any of you who know me will know, I call that God. He's peeling back the layers. I have felt sort of numb to Norah's death lately...almost like I couldn't squeeze out tears if I tried, which feels insensitive writing. I wondered if I was blocking my emotion, numbing them, or simply that the passage of time afforded me normalcy, joy, and my new sweetie to focus on.

It was the hearing another's story that brought up this wave, and I am thankful for their stories. I am thankful for their lives and I honor their journeys. I am thankful for my tenderness towards others, that I haven't built up a fortress around my hurts. Because, sometimes, in a world full of hurtful people, you build your walls and I'm sure I have mine, but there's something about someone's story. 

There were two specific memories that got triggered, that feel important for me to speak through. The first was picking out Norah's urn at the hospital. I remember still feeling drugged up in the hospital bed, having Jason showing me different images that could hold my daughter's ashes. I knew which one I wanted, the pink one with the teddy bear, but it felt so surreal, so disconnected. You have to make decisions and do things you never imagined yourself doing and it feels like one big movie you're acting your way through.

The second memory was having to shut down Norah's gift registry at Target. I had some friends buy me things, some of which I returned and some of which I kept in hopes I could have another baby someday. I remember walking into Target with Jason and breaking down at the gift registry counter. That wasn't my plan, but that's what happened. It felt good for me to check things off the list after she died, like I was doing something tangible. But then the list stopped. The beautiful cards stopped coming through the mail, and I was left with this emptiness.

I was so scared when I was pregnant with Stella. I tried to pray my way through fear, but there were times I would just have to take medication at night to fall asleep, to have my mind stop racing. There is working through trauma and then there is walking out your healing. I had to walk that out, day by day, night by night, and moment by moment. In my first trimester we had a big scare, a subchorionic hematoma, where I absolutely lost it. I showed up to the ER, full of fear and tears, I was such a mess. I thought I lost Stella and I had this fear that gripped my heart like you wouldn't believe. 

Even after having Stella, my blood pressure was really elevated and I had a nurse come to the house, who told me this would be an issue I would struggle with for the rest of my life. I felt like I was always sick, always in the hospital, always in the doctor, always being told something was wrong with me. It was so weird, because before pregnancy I felt so healthy. 

Then the joy settled in of Stella being here and staying here. It took time for this reality to really settle into me, and once it did, it hasn't left. I am so grateful and joyful for her. She is my miracle and I do plan on having one more miracle, for any of you wondering! Not long after having Stella, I had a dream where I had this sick person following me around. In the dream, I told this sick person to go away. He then left. After that, I was literally delivered from this mindset of feeling like I was "always" sick. The truth was, I was healthy, but my body did something when I was pregnant. The truth was I had a healthy baby girl, and my body did what it needed to do to get to the finish line. The truth was, I have Stella, who is completely normal and healthy on the other side of all of this. 

So, this is what others' stories has opened up for me and I am grateful for them. I do not have any collections physically, but my soul collects the stories of others, holding some very close to my heart, knowing they are brought into the tapestry of my life.

Estella's pregnancy

I can't believe I haven't written about this yet. Stella has been here for 10 months and I am just now mustering up the courage to write this post!

My pregnancy with Stella was so hard and so intense. The first two trimesters were relatively okay. I didn't lose Norah until week 34, so once the 3rd trimester hit, things began getting very very real.

I had one ultrasound weekly starting at week 27 and two ultrasounds per week beginning in week 32. They measured the blood flow to the placenta mostly, because they wanted to measure the pressure in which the blood was trying to push through to the placenta. I began getting very high blood pressure around week 33/34. Mostly because of the blood pushing so hard to the placenta, so it brought my pressures up. Around week 34, they decided we needed to do a repeat c-section at 37 weeks because of my elevated blood pressure. I was so relieved! I came into the pregnancy open to a v-bac, but towards the end of my 2nd trimester, as anxiety began creeping in more, I decided to have another c-section.

At the beginning of my 3rd trimester, I was told I couldn't walk any extra and really needed to take it easy. Outside of working 2-3 days a week and everyday tasks, that was all is should do. The absolute hardest was when I hit week 34. I would go in for a check-up and they would see something they wouldn't like, and they would monitor me for a few hours and baby's activity and then send me home. That happened at least 3 times. I felt very alone during that time. I had some really close relationships fizzle out in my life and I had very few people I could rely on. I felt like it was such a deep process for me to go through that I couldn't tell just anybody. I was afraid of posting things on Facebook, or letting people know what was really happening. There was a part of me that just had tunnel vision and kept my eyes on having her here and healthy, and I didn't want any extra drama. It was one of the loneliest times of my life, one of the hardest times of my life, and one of the most frightening times in my life. Towards the end of my pregnancy I would wake up 2-4 times a night (needing to urinate of course) but also having so much fear about whether or not baby was moving. I was so restless. I felt so out of control. All I wanted was to be done being pregnant.

When I see women who have amazing birth experiences or love being in the hospital with their babies, I am just flabbergasted. I feel like that got stolen from me, and although Stella came into this world, fully alive, breathing, and crying, my body and emotions were exhausted from carrying her into this world. I was so relieved to hear her cry. I was so relieved that I was okay.

I had two c-sections in 16 months. I feel like there has been such opposition on my identity as a mother. It came with battle scars and a fierce fight that took immense strength and endurance. We crossed the finish line, tired and emotionally drained...but we crossed it. I learned through this experience that I have so little control in certain areas of my life.

With great opposition comes great anointing, authority, power, and comeback stories. When you feel at your lowest, know that it is in that very moment, God will remind you of how far he brought you. And remember that when God reminds you, your voice and story will be saturated with experience and anointing to release others free from their bondage and pain. He will deliver you. You will not be overcome. When you feel like you are sinking, remember God is near and He has a plan. He will use these hardships to strengthen your arms for battle and build you up in Him.

My near death experience changed me, from the inside out. Losing Norah has changed me forever, but the change has strengthened me, delivered me, and pushed me into growth.

When I was pregnant, God gave me some dreams. One of them was of Stella being delivered. In my dream, I had a dark haired girl handed to me after having a c-section. Another dream I had was seeing these sketches on a wall or 2 children that I would have that would be alive, healthy, and thriving. "The writing was on the wall."

After I had Stella, I felt like my body was free. I began walking as soon as I could. When I first started walking around the neighborhood, my legs burned because they weren't used to the physical movement. Being an athlete for most of my life, this was so hard for me. I then began running as soon as my body would let me and I got the clear from the doctor, and it was so freeing. It was healing for me. I began talking fitness classes twice per week to strengthen my body. I felt like I was claiming back what had been stolen from me.

The thought of being pregnant again still feels overwhelming, but doable. I know...crazy right? That I would do that all over again! The truth is, I will. Because what I receive on the other side, in my arms, is worth everything. Stella has been a joy and blessing that my heart could not imagine receiving and I love her so deep and wide.