Obedience and Abba; 4-30, 5-3, 5-4

Psalm 71:20-21

You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
    will revive me again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will bring me up again.
 You will increase my greatness
    and comfort me again.

     

     In Galatians 4:6 and Romans 8:15 it talks about how as sons of God our spirits cry out Abba Father. Abba is similar to saying Daddy here in America. I have heard many people refer to God as Daddy and have tried to call Him this and yet it has always felt unnatural. I can never recall a time in my life when I called my own father Daddy, he has always been Dad. One night at church this all changed on the forth of May. Exhausted after a month of recovering from Norah's death, God called me to the alter during worship and it was there I finally could call Him Abba, and it came from a very deep and vulnerable place of complete need. That night I was changed. He met me where I was in my weak state and he comforted me. I felt I was sitting at His feet touching His robe....it was amazing. I sat in my seat not ready to go up and yet I knew I was supposed to come. Had I not obeyed than I wold have missed out on something wonderful. Below are the three entries that have been highlighted to me to included in this post.

4-30-14

Having such a peace from God regardless of circumstances or environment is something i would love to posses, especially in my situation. I am thankful for the light shinning in the darkness.

Jason,

     You will learn a new way of obedience. You see that submission to me is where you find your peace. You are comforted by the thought of being submitted to me and that is a good sign for you. I am the Prince of Peace and in me there is no darkness. Keep listening to my voice and I will bring you to the still, deep waters of peace.

5-3-14

     With obedience comes freedom. Freedom to live in joy complete. Forgiveness is one of the greatest acts of obedience and the heavy chains of unforgiveness are removed. Daily cleaning is mandatory for the battles that lie ahead. Remove the enemy from the camp and than move forward in the battle.

5-4-14

Two year anniversary, wow, thank you Daddy. Daddy, I learned last night what this finally means. At church last night I felt like the Spirit was calling me up to be with God at the alter. I went up but didn't feel comfortable being in the front, so I stopped and kneeled right at the front seat. Pastor Bill saw me and said to everyone "If you want to worship here [up front], its open." So I did. When I kneeled at the steps I started to worship Him and cry out to Him in freedom. At one point I realized that I needed to be near my Daddy. The greatest treasure I have here on earth and Heaven is to be near to my Daddy. I felt so close to Him. I am learning to receive from Him. The moments when God invites you to up with Him are wonderful.

4 Months Out

Jason and I are about 4 months out from Norah's death. I have not written a blog in what feels like a while. Today I feel pulled to type out how I feel. Jason and I have described these last few weeks as feeling harder than the first month. We aren't being carried anymore; we're walking. And walking is tiresome, takes energy, perseverance, and strength I didn't know existed inside of me. There's also the prospect of trying for children soon, which takes on it's own emotions, pretty much every emotion in the book. Add some hormones into that recipe along with grief, and you get the picture, a broken mess -- me.

Anger still is strong. So much so that I took a cardio kickboxing class on Sunday, punching the air as though I could envision punching circumstances and occasionally people's faces. How's that for total honesty?

I feel God calling me deeper, to fill a deeper place. The hardest part for me, right now in all of this, is to want to fill the deep emptiness with something other than God. It doesn't have to be anything crazy, like drugs, but things other than God -- my own control, for example. And when hope feels low and the emptiness is real, there is a challenge to the faith that comes. God, can you really fill all my emptiness? Can you really heal the deepest recesses inside of me? And if so, why does it feel that instead of hope coming in like a rushing wave it's coming in like a trickling stream, taking painful amounts of patience?

Deep grief pushes tears out of you from places you never knew existed. I've begun to wonder when the tears will end and how many wrinkles will be formed from my crying faces (I think that's supposed to be sarcastic). Never before have I felt so pushed, challenged, forced to live in a place of faith.

But the mercies are new everyday. Even when grief rolls over into the next day, the mercies are still there. Hope trickles in slowly. I feel like I have come through some rite of passage through this time, surviving the un-survivable, living through the unlivable, and somehow I am still in one piece.

The Streams in the Desert devotional has been very helpful. I'll share this from July 26th:
"There are times when things look very dark to me -- so dark that I have to wait even for hope. It is bad enough to wait in hope. A long-deferred fulfillment carries its own pain, but to wait for hope, to see no glimmer of a prospect and yet refuse to despair; to have nothing but night before the casement and yet to keep the casement open for possible starts; to have a vacant place in my heart and yet to allow that place to be filled with no inferior presence -- that is the grandest patience in the universe. It is Job in the tempest; it is Abraham on the road to Moriah; it is Moses in the desert of Midian; it is the Son of man in the Garden of Gesthsemane."

So, here I wait.

Carried: 04-16,17, 20

Song of Solomon: Jesus Culture

All through the valleys

Through the dark of night

Here you come running

To hold me till its light

Below are three entries. The main theme and a revelation I have had is  the way the 'body of Christ' has carried us through this. I believe Nancy is still alive today because of the prayers of the saints. Many people  were ready to help us through by sending cards, cleaning the house, bring food, helping financially and many other ways. We all have a role to play in our lives and yet the importance of having a 'family' to get you through is vital. The outpouring that came from our Brothers and Sisters in Christ was amazing and it was and is a new way that I experienced Jesus in a tangible way. That is why i call it a revelation, it became real to me. I have so many brothers and sisters, not just at the church I attend but all over and in many different places. Finally, I have a few 'free-writing'  poems that i wrote in my journal that I included

4-16-14

     Yesterday was a hard day. Not sure what today will bring but I feel a little lighter today. Feeling carried by the body physically and in prayers. Its helped to have the kids here with us. Thank you Father for your provision. I am overwhelmed. I have a better understanding of community, family and what the body of Christ is today than I had a few days ago. There has been beauty in all of this sorrow. Many angels have come and continue to come. Thank you Lord.

4-17-14

His Body Carries Us

As we enter a new valley

Shadowed by death,

they greet us.

My legs feel week and heavy.

My arms are tired and

my back aches.

The heaviness I feel in my heart

makes it hard to push through this lonely place yet

they are with us.

With each advance

they walk with us and

some carry us.

We cling to one-and-other.

His light shines through their eyes.

Each reveals the fullness of

His Body and

 His Love.

 His  life is manifest

through each one,

one-by-one.

4-20-14

     Two weeks since Norah's Death and Nancy's trauma (and mine).

     This valley is new to me. The last valley was one in which Jesus walked through with me in a personal way. After getting through I've learned and have been learning to walk close to Him on an every moment basis. [In] this valley, He has manifested Himself through other people. The outpouring of people and how they have carried Nancy and I through all of this is at times unbelievable.....and overwhelming, and here I thought we didn't have family. I also now have a better understanding of why we left where we were to be at Lighthouse. Before He taught me dependence on Him, now He is teaching me dependence on His 'Body'. I couldn't even cry the way I needed without other men helping me. This is new and wonderful.

     People keep telling me how strong my faith is and yet I can't help but think that i can't take the credit (I do know I love the Lord and have a strong faith) but through this His grace is bigger than me and the sustaining power is coming from the love, support and prayers of others. Many, many good Samaritans nursing us back to health...

 Not Alone-Carried by Their Prayers

As I start the journey

through the Valley of the

Shadow of Death the

pain in my heart buckles my knees.

 All strength leaves

In a pool of tears.

 It's then they pick me up and

carry me through during

this dark and painful journey.

 Although all different,

they have the same light

in their eyes, although

their hearts ache,

love flows out to me.

They help carry my Bride who

feels the weight of joy

dry away form her

chest.

Christ in flesh, Hosanna

His body,

His church

My Brothers and Sisters

I am not alone

Pain and Dreams

Today my heart is in pain. I think it may be in pain everyday, but the quiet moments of the day, when Jason is at work and the house is empty, the silent echoes back to me, reminding me that Norah is not here. I look out the window and still wonder, "Why me?" I know the classic answer, "You will probably never have the answer to that question" ...well, that answer sucks and it doesn't bring me any relief. I hurt and I have an emptiness inside like no other. Every cell of my body put forth effort in making my little girl, every cell of my body loved her and ached to hold her. Every cell went through trauma and grief, and every cell and part of me still loves her. So what am I supposed to do with that? What am I supposed to do with this silence and pain? Sleep it away, numb it, something has to work.

I know the Christian "pad answer" is to say that God can come and fill this place, but God isn't a baby. He doesn't coo, need his diaper changed and be mothered by me. What if I didn't want her to go? Didn't I ever get a say in this.

Of course I know there are no answers to these questions, and I don't want any more answers to those questions. All I want is for this pain to go away so I don't have to be tempted at every corner to fill it, numb it, explain it away, stuff it, the list could go on.

And this constant irritation and agitation I have with people and circumstances. I have described to Jason that I feel like a "ticking time bomb." I know this is due to a number of factors, such as hormones, grief, sadness and anxiety that come with grief, fear of the unknown, etc etc. I want to be back to myself, but I don't know who me is after going through this. I feel like a raw, vulnerable, emotional mess.

Last night Jason reminded me of my dreams. He reminded me of my future and what I am capable of. I feel like such a hot mess most of the time, that my future dreams feel out of grasp and so far in the distance. But when he reminded me of my dreams, I felt my spirit leap inside, and I was excited for moments. You mean to tell me that I'm not always going to feel this way? This won't be my life forever? Grief gives you a short-shortsightedness at times, and you can be blinded of your future and the hope that is being held over moments and memories yet to be experienced. My heart craves for dreams to be fulfilled and happy memories to be in the near future.

Today a woman told me that maybe something would have been wrong with Norah. I had another woman tell me several weeks ago that maybe I wasn't ready to have a baby. Instead of raging at both of these women (like I wanted to), I gave them a blank stare and waited a minute to respond. I said, "Norah was the most beautiful, perfect baby. She had no defect; nothing was wrong with her." That made them shut up.

In the silence of the day, my heart aches. In the busyness of the day, my heart is dulled but still aches. I have become obsessed with a child I never had.

I held my beautiful niece in my arms last week. The first thing I noticed about her was that she was warm, and it felt so good to feel the warmth against my body. That night I stayed up till 2:30 in the morning, researching abruptions and how they happen, only to walk away with more questions. I woke up not feeling any better, having the remnants of anxious thoughts from the night before.

I feel like I have to let go of a child I never was able to fully hold. I feel like I have to empty out even more my empty arms.

These are my words to my Norah:
Norah,
No time or distance will make it okay that you are not here with me. No future child will ever replace you. My heart searches out for something in this world that can dull the pain and make this feel better, but I can't find anything. You're living in glory and I'm living in suffering. Pray for me, that joy would make its way to my heart again and fill my every cell. I know I need to dream again, but I haven't wanted to dream without you. I know people tell me to not feel guilty for moving on. It's not that I feel guilty. I feel devastated that you aren't apart of my dreams and my future on this earth.
Because of your loss, I feel your glory shine through me like facets of a diamond. Not one flat stone, but broken up surfaces, shining at all angles out of me. I feel like the light has been dimmed in me and I'm barely hanging onto the faith I have, so I pray to God he would strengthen the light inside of me.
I love you my child, so so so much.
Hugs,
Mommy

April 7th - April 12th

Posted below are two entries from my journal (Jason's journal). Just some background: The morning before we lost Norah (April 7th) I was struggling to trust God with somethings as you will read in my journal. I believe Father God is developing in us, as we mature as God's children, an unshakable faith. I am not saying that what happened  to Nancy and I was part of God's plan to make us stronger nor will I draw definite conclusions about why all of this has happened. I have found it is best to be honest with God in regards to my struggles and doubts. All I know is that we lost our baby girl and God is still good. He knows I struggle and he is there ready to walk through the dark valleys with me. The blessing in the pain is that it is those moments He can be more real than anything else in my life and the intimacy I share with him is everything I long for in life.  Through all of this, as I hold onto Jesus, what was meant for harm makes me stronger. Also, I struggle with different issues and at times I have my doubts and yet he wants to struggle through those with me. So, you may notice I can be very honest with God even when it seems my faith is weak. I don't want to wrestle with doubt alone so I struggle through doubt with him, naked and unashamed. Finally, awhile ago, God told me to stop justifying myself to other people and to be at peace with him. I can't make everyone understand my life or the things I do but if my Heavenly Father understands and approves than everything is good. With that, here is my two entries:

4-7-14

Father, help me to hear you clearly and to have wisdom and understanding. I have battled fear and mistrust when it comes to my understanding of your word and how it applies to my life. I think of Paul and the horrific things he went through. I ask myself "what things will I have to suffer because of obedience?" And yet who can I trust but you? Help me with my lack of understanding and help me to trust you. Help me to rightly understand suffering.

Jason,
     I am not mad at you, nor do I want to drown you. As you learn to walk I will pick you back up. I love you. Trust me, i will never leave nor will I forsake you. Give me a chance to show you and remember what I have shown you.
     I love you!

This was the struggle I had and what I needed to hear from the Lord at about 530 in the morning just before I was to leave for work. About an hour later, Nancy started to have problems with the pregnancy and at about 800 am we were informed we lost our baby. Like I said earlier, God did not cause this to happen to teach me trust or what I must suffer for obedience. He showed Himself faithful through a horrific event and I learned I can trust Him through a terrible time in our life. The next entry was what I wrote the Saturday morning after the loss of Norah.

4-12-14

I am often afraid of the suffering of this world and at times have wondered about the suffering I will experience because of my faith in my Jesus...

      On Monday, the 7th of April, Nancy and I lost our baby girl Norah. Nancy was 34 weeks pregnant, we almost lost Nancy's life. Even with her life intact we almost lost Nancy's ability to have more children. Suffering and pain are a part of the world we live in, its unavoidable, Yet there is great and amazing beauty that does not eliminate the pain but does overshadow it.  Through all of this I may never understand why this happened but I can say that my God is good and I can trust Him. He is the only one who can make promises that will never be broken. His word is 100% trustworthy and it is the only sure foundation I have. He is holding me in his arms and He is walking very close [with me] through all of this. 

I love you Jesus

I Love you Abba

and I love you Holy Spirit

I love you God.

Beloved and Beautiful one,

      You are mine and you are clothed in the spotless robes that my Son bought for you on Calvary. I have felt the pain of losing a child and I am grieving with you. I know this doesn't change this season or eliminate the pain but she is here with me and you will be united with her again, she loves her Mommy and Daddy and knows how much you loved and love her. I am proud of you and am with you, so much. You are a good son. We will walk through this together. Thank you for trusting me and reaching out to me, I Love you Jason.

My Contribution

For a while now I have felt that I am to contribute to this blog. I have taken comfort in reading the posts that my Nancy has written and I am amazed by her ability to put everything going on inside of her in a eloquent and beautiful way. I do not posses the same gifting that she has. As I write I get lost some where and lose my train of thought and yet I hear God asking me to contribute to this blog.

This morning when I woke I heard God say to me "I desire to spend time with you Jason" and my response was the same. My alone time with God in the morning is so vital to me, I love Father God so much and am so glad I get to spend time alone with him almost everyday. My strength, joy, peace and many other things come from Him. This warms my heart. A few years ago the life I knew was completely destroyed, like a tornado destroys a home so my life was destroyed by a divorce. During the time of rebuilding, God became real to me. This revelation of intimacy with God was and is amazing. I finally experienced a tangible  reality of God in my life. I could feel His presence and could hear His voice more clearly. Intimacy with God is intoxicating in a good way. Jesus is my closest friend and companion, even as I write this I know He is here with me, I sense His presence with me. So, in the midst of tragedy, God became real  and He restored me and blessed me with my amazing and beautiful wife, He is so good. Not sure why i am sharing all of this other than to say that in the midst of great pain God is close to the brokenhearted but I believe the brokenhearted will miss the blessing if they don't turn to Him, that is a tragedy and yet I understand why we don't turn to him in our pain. 

So....this morning after I made a journal entry I went back in my journal and read some of my previous entries and it was then God made it clear to me what I was to share on this blog: my journal entries starting with the entry the morning before losing Norah and selected ones thereafter. I will start sharing this week. Thank you and God bless you~Jason

Butterfly

My step daughters, Samantha and Sarah, have a love for the outdoors. They love dragon flies, bugs, plants, flowers, caterpillars, and their very favorite - butterflies. They have their dad to thank for this because he has introduced them to these little critters while spending time outside with him.

Samantha especially takes a liking to butterflies, and will even get clothes that have butterflies on them. It's funny, because butterflies will land on her and stay on her hand. They won't fly away. The girls and their dad had the idea of taking caterpillars and bringing them inside our home, putting them in a butterfly net house, and having them form cocoons...and then the obvious stage of becoming butterflies.

So it became this process of them forming their cocoon and waiting. They had two caterpillars, and the caterpillars eventually formed a cocoon. Once this happened, the girls would like to check multiple times a day to see what was happening.

And then the real excitement began. The first cocoon became a butterfly. The girls were so excited, especially Sammy. But, as I looked at the butterfly, something was wrong. Its wings hadn't formed completely. We thought maybe give the butterfly a couple of days to let the wings spread out, but they stayed shriveled up. Sammy even referred to the butterfly books she read, and said the wings would get all better and the butterfly would be okay. The last day the butterfly was alive was a very sad day indeed. Sammy came crying to us and said the butterfly broke its leg and she realized the butterfly wasn't going to live. She cried and cried and cried...and then cried some more. Her crying seemed like it was more than just the butterfly.

And then I thought of our family's loss of Norah. Norah was in my tummy for days and months and there was the anticipation and excitement of seeing her, and then she wasn't able to fully form in this world. She didn't "get her wings and fly." I think Sammy's tears were a deeper representation of the loss she felt about Norah.

I forgot about the second butterfly. But the girls didn't. It was the very first thing they did when they got home today. They checked the butterfly. And behold, there was a beautiful swallowtail butterfly, fully formed, living, and now able to live outdoors. The girls will set this butterfly free outside with their dad.

I felt God whispering to me in this to hold onto the promise. Don't let the first experience be the author of your story. Trust in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.

So I trust and wait. I'm still struggling. I still feel deep pain. I am still so so sad and disappointed. But, the vision for the future keep me anchored.

The Everyday

I realized I haven't written a blog for a while. Life has been moving at a faster pace this month, between my brother James getting married, to a concert, grad parties, and other events. This weekend will be the first weekend back to "normal" and I am looking forward to relaxing and being in my usual routine. Also, I started working again last Monday and that has taken some energy. The first day back I shed some tears with clients and we gave each other hugs, and then I put my own issues on a shelf, and told them to tell me all about them and their own issues...it was a nice break from my own! I feel that as I'm getting a bit older and have more experience in the mental health field, I recognize my own strengths, limitations, and how I can be most effective. I definitely am more effective when I am transparent and genuine with people.

I also have noticed that I have been doing lots of things and projects around the house. This feels very therapeutic for me. Jason just tells me to not analyze it, but just live it. I keep on hearing the voice of God say, "Just let things run through your system." I don't have to label things as right, wrong, or indifferent; I just need to accept whatever stage I'm at and let things run through my system -- to not put a label or judgment on it. That is freeing for me!

We converted Norah's room to an office and I put up gender neutral curtains and decorations in there, so when I look over there I don't see the loss of a dream. I see the loss of my little girl and delayed dreams. I can live with that truth. Surprisingly, when I look at the office now, I don't get sad. I feel like each week I am getting stronger. I feel like I have more energy, which is amazing. After being pregnant for 8 months and then heavy grieving for about 3 months, I forgot what it felt like to have a normal amount of energy! It feels good to be able to do things, work some, and hang out with the kids.

A prayer request I would have during this time is medical/doctor stuff. I am going to a high risk pregnancy doctor in 3 weeks to do a pre-pregnancy consultation. We are going to be working with a high risk pregnancy doctor from Abbott both before and during my next pregnancy. I'm also going to a natural/holistic doctor today. I feel like I need to go today and I've had this appointment set up for a month, but I'm not sure what to expect. Jason and I are needing wisdom with how to move forward. Thanks friends!