In the waiting

Today I wanted to let our family and friends know what is going on with our pregnancy, and how Jason and I are doing. I also need an outlet to just write, as there is a lot going on with my emotions and thoughts during the final stretch. We are officially 35 weeks pregnant as of today...so pretty amazing! We lost Norah at the 34 week 3 day mark, so it feels we have made it through something big this last week. As Jason put it, it feels like we are on mile 24 of the marathon (he's run two of them). We are tired, weary, and ready for this part of the journey to be over. Typically I try to be a person who does not use the mindset, "If........, then we'll be happier," but in this case, we are ready for the waiting to be over. We are ready for our little one to arrive, to hold her and be with her now.

This last leg or the journey has been testing all that is within me. God is asking me to lean on Him and trust Him through this time...and that is honestly hard after what we've been through, but ultimately, I know He's in control of all of this. All of this feel so close, yet so far away, both within reach and out of reach. Last night I read something in Streams in the Desert:

"When God made thee a believer, He meant to try thee; and when He gave thee promises, and bade thee trust them, He gave such promises as are suitable for times of tempest and tossing. Dost thou think that God makes shams like some that have made belts for swimming, which were good to exhibit in a ship, but of no use in the sea?

"We have all heard of swords which were useless in war; and even of shoes which were made to sell, but were never meant to walk in. God's shoes are of iron and brass, and you can walk to Heaven in them without their ever wearing out; and His life-belts, you may swim a thousand Atlantics upon them, and there will be no fear of your sinking. His Word of promise is meant to be tried and proved.

"Go the the deeps of God's promise,
And claim whatsoever ye will;
The blessing of God will not fail thee,
His Word He will surely fulfill.

"How can God say no to something He has promised?"

This reading spoke to me. It encouraged me and reminded me of the process and journey He has had Jason and I on. We are not made to believe He has caused all this, but in the brokenness of this world, I am made to believe He will use this fully to shape us and mold us. God is not afraid to use these situations of waiting and turn them into times of deep molding. He is not unknown for taking our tears, and having them pave the way for deep, everlasting joy. He is not turned back from our weakness; in fact, He suggests for us to be weak, so that He can be made strong and mighty in times like this. So, yesterday, I had to be reminded to stop being self-sufficient and be strong, but to be weak in the arms of the Father, knowing He is holding us, holding us through this time, into the promise fulfilled. Am I going to be put my walls up and be offended by what He hasn't given me, or will I get to learn Him and understand the intentions of His heart towards me, which I know to be good and true and loving?

So, we wait here. And we get stretched here. And we hold on here. And we get to be weak and vulnerable here. This is where we are and where we get to be strengthened.

On a practical note, for those of you who are curious about pregnancy details, feel free to message, call or text me. Jason and I will most likely not go completely full term, but are unsure about the actual details at this point in time. I am being monitored very closely, receiving two ultrasounds a week. The nurses and doctors have been amazing and they are all rooting for us and cheering us on so deep. They have me on partial bed rest as a precaution. I am to have limited activity from this point forward. If people want to help in practical ways, you can pray for us, be on standby for when we do have her and help with meals/cleaning for a week or two after she is here (that is hard for me to actually request, but I don't want Jason to be overworked!!). Message me if you are interested in that. And for those of you who are friends and family, we are looking to have the baby shower in September, after she arrives, so then you will be able to meet her. More details will come through invites with that. Also, Jason is tired. He has been doing lots, so pray for him in this journey as well, that he would be encouraged and given strength. We are taking care of our 4 kids half the week, who have Lacrosse, summer school, tutoring, not to mention feeding two teenage boys, driving them around...while Jason works full time. I am officially done working now and just relaxing, but cannot help much physically, which is really really hard for me!! I'll also be asking people specifically to come and help once I have the official date, because I know we have a lot of family and friends who are wanting to help in ways they can!

Grief before the new chapter

I have kept mostly quiet on the blog throughout this pregnancy...I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I don't want to "jinx" this pregnancy; maybe it feels too hard to describe all that I'm feeling, and maybe I can't even fully describe all that I'm feeling. It also doesn't help that there's been other changes in my life that have felt overwhelming. But today, I need to write. Today, I needed to finish a painting, the first painting, since Norah has died. It's called the "Heartbeat of Heaven" and it's a dress made of jewels and a whole lot of other symbolism. It stirred up some pretty deep emotions, mostly towards the end and after the painting. You see, my plan has been, once this painting is finished, to get started on Estella's paintings. There is a gamete of emotions revolving around starting Estella's paintings...firstly, I remember taking Norah's paintings off the wall and putting them in a tupperware container. Secondly, beginning Estella's painting and finishing up Norah's painting, feels like a big turning of the chapter. One I have desperately longed for, and on the other hand, not knowing what to do with.

How do I do this? Feeling the excitement of bringing another little girl into this world, while wishing another one was here? I don't feel guilt for moving forward, like I'm leaving Norah in the dust, and just focusing on Estella. It just simply feels like this closing of a chapter, a chapter that has been a long, hard, painful journey, one that came with so many other life transitions, one that I'm so ready to be rid of, yet one that has become familiar in a way. It's become what I've known. For the last year and 3 months, I have known pain, grief, and heartache on a level I didn't understand. And you know what's weird? Norah dying catapulted me into all this growth, all this change and healing I never thought possible. I feel healthier and like a better person now than when this all began. That does feel a bit weird saying that, but I feel like God used this opportunity to mold me and shape me into the woman I am today. This has now been the life that I know, and now, I have Estella coming. And, most days I believe she's coming, but there are other days I'm scared. I'm scared of another abruption...gosh, I wish I could say that I'm not, but I am. I keep listening to people's reassuring words and I rest into God's words, but I still have my doubts.

I have tried to let Estella in as close to my heart as possible, but I have to be reminded (or Jason does) that this isn't Norah, this isn't the same pregnancy, this is different, and the outcome will be different. My emotions have felt so strongly the other way. I think that's part of the reason I have not shared much on facebook my pregnancy journey, because I am afraid something will happen and this won't be a happy ending. Logically, I know most likely it will be, and yet my emotions are making a ruckus of their own.

So...onto Stella's paintings...onto hope and good things. Onto promises and hope. Onto imagining the best possible outcome unless I'm notified otherwise. Onto clearing out her nursery and possibly thinking about setting up some baby things. Onto allowing myself to feel joy and excitement into her coming into this world. Onto separating my experience from Norah and Estella. Onto knowing that no matter what happens, God is still good, He's still by my side, He's still in control, and He's going to protect me. That's all I need to be focusing on right now and the rest is outside of my control. That's just what I keep telling myself!

Approaching the 34 week mark has been scary and hard, and yet all I can do it live in this current moment. So, here's to living in the today, living in the moment, living in the not yet, and keeping my hands open for the gift of the future to come.