Struggling with God's Goodness

Today my mind feels like a battle field as I struggle with God's goodness. Jason and I found out this morning that a friend died of cancer. Jason went to ministry school with her, and she was believing the Lord would bring healing to her. My heart aches for her family, her children, and close friends. I didn't realize my feelings of grief were so close and so accessible. It feels like there is a part of my heart is opened up forever, and I really understand the Bible verse that says, "Grieve with those who grieve." I definitely do not have a problem doing that! I know I cannot take on others' emotions, but I feel such a burden for the family this morning. I know this also triggers my own healing process, whether I like to admit it or not. I'd like for it to be all about her and her family, but I just simply can't help it. 

Last week it felt like I was beginning to understand God's goodness in the midst of this world and its cruelty. Someone dying, who had faith God would bring healing, seems to feel like a setback. I wanted so badly for her to be healed and have an amazing testimony, so my heart is processing through so many emotions and questions right now?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Is God really good?

Why does he heal certain people and not others?

God, I know you haven't abandoned your people. Logically I know you heal, but I doubt it deep within me. I know heaven is good; I know your intention is good, but why are so many people struggling, even when they cry out to you? When they ask for healing with their last breaths? Why do you choose to take some and leave some here on earth? Why did you let Norah die and not some other child? Why do some people struggle in this life, and others seems to have smooth lives, with little bumps along the way? I don't understand. 

These are my honest thoughts and what I've been thinking about today. I know I can't stay in this place, but I have to be honest about my process.

Restitution

There have been many spiritual experiences our family had after losing Norah, and I'd like to share them on the blog, to build others' faith and encourage those of you out there reading. I also want to document it so I don't forget all that God has done. It helps to recount all the things He has done and ways He has been faithful. His faithfulness crashes up to the shore of our lives and His unwavering love never stops washing over us. His pursuit of me throughout this journey is a true testimony to Him never abandoning us. I just want to walk through some testimonies that God has done in our lives since losing Norah.

Some of these testimonies will either be dreams I received from God or words that He spoke directly to me. If anyone has ever felt God close during a tragedy, they know what I mean when I say, He spoke to me directly. It's not some weird thing to me, and it's a very natural part of my life, so if it's weird or new to you, I just ask you keep an open mind.

When I was in the hospital, the very day it happened (or possibly the day after), I heard God speak speak Psalm 18. Here are some verses:
I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
    and I have been saved from my enemies.
4 The cords of death entangled me;
    the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
    the snares of death confronted me.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
It is God who arms me with strength
    and keeps my way secure.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights.
34 He trains my hands for battle;
    my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
35 You make your saving help my shield,
    and your right hand sustains me;
    your help has made me great.
36 You provide a broad path for my feet,
    so that my ankles do not give way.

The Psalm is full of great verses. I knew from the very beginning that this was something that was allowed in the courts of Heaven. What I mean by that, this went through God first before it came to earth. God allowed for this to happen, and it felt like a similar story to Job in the Bible. Job had been called out by the Enemy and sifted by the hand of God. God still remained sovereign over the situation with Job, and the Enemy could not do unto Job what was not passed through God first. I'm not saying this is how all situations are on earth, but it was for me. 

I remember when I came home, God spoke to me in the middle of the night. I actually woke up and sat straight up in my bed...that's how direct it was. He said, "The trumpet of judgment has been blown over your circumstance." I went back to bed, unsure of what this could mean, but wrote it down the next morning, as a promise from my God. As I am able to look back, God was telling me His judgment and justice poured forth over my life and my life wasn't going to open up and be some playground for the Enemy to steal, kill, and destroy anything he wanted. His time was up. My life is in God's hands, where I am protected and provided for.

I remember a couple of weeks after losing Norah, Jason and I were downstairs. During this time, it actually felt like Jason was losing his firstborn, that his heart was turning away from us. This was extremely difficult, because Jason and I felt like our identity as parents was being taken away from us, that we had no control, and there was nothing we could do about it. That night was my lowest low after losing Norah. We sat there, talking about our grief, and I felt myself falling into this pit of despair. It felt like a black hole that did not have a bottom. I felt depression take over my body, and I knew at that point, I had to surrender completely to God...my dreams and aspirations of becoming a mother, knowing deep inside of me that I was created to be a mother, not just a step-mother, but a biological mother. I knew that God entrusted 4 children to me when I married Jason, that I mother 50% of their childhood lives. I felt the weight of this responsibility when I married Jason, and unlike most single women, I felt up for the challenge and honored that God would use me to mold and shape them. But, for any step-moms out there, who choose not to give up and don't turn their husbands away from their children, they know this is a difficult and unrewarding task. That night I felt this desperation wash over me and my mind was under the influence of the Enemy. I heard the lies that God abandoned me, He didn't protect me, that I would never be a mother, and that I wasn't making a difference in my children's lives. Let's just say, from that moment on, things began to look up. I went to bed and I woke up feeling all of the despair leave. I realized how despair and grief are two different things. Despair feels like a deep dark hole; it feels like you are separate from God. Grief does not; grief is more tolerable.

The next day when I woke up, I looked at myself in the mirror, and my reflection definitely told a story. I looked tired, swollen, and not like my usual, happy self. I heard God say, "This is going to be a big comeback story." I instantly felt hope fill my heart. Somehow, that one sentence gave me the strength I needed to power through the next part of the journey that was ahead of me. I knew this wasn't the end of my story, but the beginning of a new chapter. 

Several weeks (maybe 3-4) after we lost Norah, I had a powerful dream from God. In the dream, I was in a room with a couple who had miscarriages in the first trimester. I didn't know this couple personally, more through a friend. In the dream, I laid my hands on the woman's stomach, where her womb would be and I said, "In Jesus' name, I break the curse of death off your womb. You will have a son and he will live." The dream was over and I woke up. I let my friend (who knows this person) about the dream. I wasn't sure what to do with it, because sometimes when I get dreams for people, it's to simply pray for them. My friend ended up calling me back a few hours later, letting me know her friend was once again pregnant and was in her first trimester. This woman eventually was told about the dream I had, and it encouraged her through her pregnancy to not fear, but to trust God. She ended up giving birth to a healthy baby boy! 

One of the things I asked God for was the gift of healing, that I could lay my hands on women who either couldn't conceive or have experienced miscarriages and death of children in their womb, that I would be able to heal them (with the power of Jesus). I fully believe my hands now have the power to do this, and I have felt called to pray for couples and individuals who are experiencing loss in this area of their lives. What struck me about having this dream was how God used me in such a broken place. 

There were so many dreams I had after I lost Norah; I don't have enough room or time to write them out right now. Our relationship with God is supposed to be living and dynamic. God speaks to me through his Word, through dreams, and directly from His mouth. Don't limit God and how He can speak to us. When we put limitations and a box on God, then we cut ourselves short of having a more living and active relationship with Him. 

One more cool story and this will most likely be the last one...Jake, our son, is kind of like the kid in the "Heaven is for Real" book. Jake can go to heaven and see different things. Jason and I discovered this last year, when Jake would say different things, like describing what his bedroom looked like in heaven, describe Jesus' features, or what angels look like (in detail). When Jake paints, he would paint things like spiritual warfare, fights between angels and demons, so this kid is just amazing to say the least! Well, several times after Norah died, he would go to heaven (in his mind/imagination) and one time he did, he went to a part of heaven where "babies go when they die in their mommy's tummies." He talked about seeing angels, seeing Jesus, and seeing these children running around in heaven. He then said he saw Norah and he described what she looked like. He told me she had curly red hair and a dress made of jewels. Now, for those of you don't know, Norah had bright red hair! Jason and I actually smiled/laughed when we saw her. She was long, skinny, white like me, and bright red hair. Jake did not know what she looked like. Then, a couple weeks after that, we went to church, and Jake put his hands on this guy's head (now a friend), and Jake told him he wanted him to go to heaven with him, so this guy gets a vision and sees this little girl with red hair. Jake said, "That's my sister, Norah." This man actually lost a child and saw his own child as well. During the latter weeks, Jake would "take me to heaven" as well, where I could actually see what Norah looks like in heaven. When I remember Norah, I don't see the corpse in my arms, I see her alive in heaven. I do honor what her earthly body looked like, as I have pictures of her, but that hospital room was not the end of her story. The urn her ashes in are not the end of her story. When Jason and I went to the funeral home several days after getting home from the hospital, I could not bring myself to go into the funeral home; Jason had to be strong for this one. When he handed me the urn and I held her ashes, I cried and said, "This is just the remains of her body. Norah is not in this urn. She lives in heaven." Oh, how that brought me such comfort during that time.

Throughout this time, Jason and I have grown closer in our marriage. Some warned us to not take our grief out on each other, and that men and women grieve differently. That was helpful for us to know and was words of wisdom. He and I have grown incredibly close to each other, and I realize how wonderful of a best friend he is and am so grateful for this. He and I have known each other for 3 years, but it has felt like 20 years. We have walked through much together in our short time of knowing each other, and our roots go deep.

If you have read through this, thank you. I want to record more spiritual experiences and testimonies from God, but feel like this is enough for now. It is wonderful writing this out, but it's also tiring. I don't want to forget these things; I want to remember them and be able to look back on it, and remember all that God has done. I also want to put words to all the testimonies God has done in our lives, and have it ready to talk about, if God invites me to share with someone in the future. I'm hoping this spoke to some of you today! If you could pray for one thing, pray for continued health for my body, and also pray that I would be able to paint again. I know it's just a matter of putting the brush on the canvas, but I have not been able to paint since losing Norah. I did one painting for the girls one time, but not like my "normal" painting. I know that will be good for me, and I just need to do it.