Jason and I didn't broadcast how we were doing for the end of the pregnancy to many people, because we didn't want people's anxiety or stress added on top of ours. In the last 3 weeks of pregnancy, I had gestational hyper-tension. In the 3rd trimester, I had a calcified placenta, meaning my placenta hardened and aged more than it should have. I also had some blood flow issues between the uterus and placenta. Basically, in the last few weeks, the doctors were able to draw some pretty strong conclusions as to why I had the placental abruption. I had 3 OB-GYNS looking after me and we were all walking on egg shells. Estella was born smaller, actually right under 5 lbs because of my placenta issues.
There were a few moments in the last stages of my pregnancy that completely tested Jason and my faith. I was sent up to be monitored several times after doctor's appointments...what turned into what was supposed to be a 15 minute appointment turned into a half day hospital stay so they could monitor Estella and I, making sure we were okay. There were nights I would feel so terrified, I would be tossing and turning, praying that God would give me the strength to get me through this last part of the pregnancy. I tried to be as strong as possible, but I got sick of being strong.
I'll never forget the morning Jason and I got ready to go to the hospital. We packed up our things, and talked about everything but the delivery. We got pretty good at distracting ourselves. Then, I got to the hospital and they set me up for surgery. I didn't get into surgery until 2 hours after the scheduled time and I was so nervous, so excited, so ready to meet this little girl! I can't even fully process what it was like going through the procedures in the surgery room, getting the spinal, and getting set up. It felt like a completely different experience than Norah, and yet there were so many memories that came from before. Feeling the doctor and nurse put pressure on my stomach to push her out was so crazy, and then waiting, anticipating, for what felt like forever to hear her cry!! Then I heard her cry and there was a wave of relief that washed over me. She was here, everything was okay, and she was small! That part was hard for me after having her because I had to really fight guilt that my body failed me, that I "make small babies" and that means I'm not doing something right.
After she was born we went into the recovery room and I got to hold her and see her (I got to see her in the delivery room as well). Then, about 5-10 minutes later, she had to go to the level 2 NICU, where she stayed for 24 hours to make sure she didn't drop weight. THAT was so hard and that's the part that brought on so many emotions from losing Norah. I remember crying and saying that I just wanted my baby; it felt very traumatic for me. I am proud to say that as soon as my anesthesia wore off, about 6 hours later, I walked to the level 2 NICU every 3 hours to start feeding her and holding her. I would stay in the room with her until my body would say, "You need to go lay down now!" Then, she was able to come back to our room after the 24 hours and I was very pleased.
Needless to say, it was a whirlwind of emotions, and I don't feel like I have fully processed through all that we went through. All I know, is I get a break from being pregnant. I still feel sad and grieve the loss of having "normal" pregnancies and birth experiences. I grieve the loss of relationships that aren't in my life to celebrate Estella's arrival. Jason and I are rebuilding (& pretty much have been since we've been married) and rebuilding takes time. Rebuilding takes pruning, surrender, sacrifice, pain, and the hope for something new, improved and different from the familiar.
I wanted to talk about what God did through my pregnancy as well, because I am grateful. I do feel like He gave me the grace to walk out each day. Yes, there were days I came to the end of myself, but He always showed up. I feel like He used this time to mold me, stretch me, and refine me. He gave me two dreams, one was actually a vision, but I was sleeping when I had it. The first dream, I will type out what I put in my phone when I woke up:
April 26th: "Saw baby girl get born via c-section, baby girl with dark hair, baby inside my tummy, tummy was transparent, and baby perched up, big eyes, saying hi to people." - this one was actually the vision...I remember the baby being handed to me in the vision, and I felt the warmth softness of her body literally in my hands, as though I was there
August 7th: the week before my delivery date, I saw one baby girl and one baby boy. I saw the baby girl in a bassinet and she was looking up at me smiling.
God was speaking to me and He is always faithful to speak to me, whether it be through dreams, His voice in my heart/spirit or His word. I just sometimes get so caught up in my emotions and fears that I do not hear Him. I still do...my flesh wants to sometimes cling to the fears and what's familiar. When I was in the hospital, I felt the mother's hyper-vigilance like nobody's business...I was checking her breathing and fearful she would leave me. For the first week we were home, I would check her breathing when she was sleeping. She looked so small and fragile. I had a hard time sleeping. I still had hypertension and had to take pills so it would lower because it was dangerously high. Then about 2 weeks after getting home from the hospital, I began to feel more like myself. Yes, that is partially hormones running themselves through your body and flushing out, but I also cried out to God, to heal my body and my mind, to not be defined by trauma, to not allow my mind to be run by fear, to not label myself as a sick person who always had health issues. He gave me another dream about not identifying with a sick mentality and He told me I was healthy and my body was capable. After that, I felt like a different person. I stopped checking on Estella for fear of something happening to her; I felt different and then at the 6 week check up, everything was completely back to normal.
SO, that was my experience. It was messy. I was scared. Jason and I were both scared, although often times he was the strong one for me...and here we are, on the other side, holding our little girl. I am trusting and hoping for an even healthier pregnancy next go around (Although that won't be for a while!!!!). Thanks to everyone who prayed for us! We love you.
