I wake up this morning a bit groggy from the holidays, recovering from the plethora of emotions and battles that came with it. There were also good things that came from Christmas and I am grateful for those things, but it is true what they say, the first holiday season after your loss is very difficult. Whether or not I chose to feel the grief, the wave swept over me, and at times overcame me. It was quite overwhelming at times. It felt good knowing what it was, instead of wondering why I felt that way. The awareness helped me feel not so vulnerable to the onslaught of emotions that came with Christmas, and not having the gift I was expecting this Christmas.
The year of 2014 has been a year of overwhelming loss, not just with Norah, but with other areas of my life as well. My dreams of what I thought my future would look like were stolen from me, and it was swift and brutal. What I would also say of 2014, is that it's been a year of incredible change and breakthrough. With all of the changes, I am surprised at how much I feel my life has been orchestrated and how even the smallest of details have been interwoven in my life story. The changes that have happened both in my life and inside of me seem to be pertinent to what God is calling me to. I feel that I have crossed the threshing floor, and the only things which have survived are the unshakable. Everything else has been burned away; everything that was named a hindrance in God's eyes was taken away and lifted from my shoulders. I think when we cross the threshing floor, it's a painful transition from what we thought was true for our lives to what God has planned for our lives. With all this said, I know it wasn't God's plan to take Norah away; however, He knew it was going to be a part of my life story and He is using it to mold me and shape me.
I've heard many times from God that 2015 is a year of recompense and restoration. I needed to hear it straight from His mouth instead of others, because it carried a weight and a promise that filled my heart. I don't know what 2015 holds, and I don't have expectations that it will be perfect. It will still be messy, full of mistakes, tears, but it will also be full of joy, life, beauty, and memories.
I have one resolution this next year for our family, and it's to nurture and find relationships that are healthy and long-lasting, to have friends and community that God brings into our family's life, where there is unconditional love and support, healthiness, sharpening, depth, and unselfish ambitions. I am choosing to break free from all dysfunctional and unhealthy systems and relationships, and choosing to enter into the good and the healthy.
I'm looking forward to 2015 and all that it does hold me myself and our family.
