I have kept mostly quiet on the blog throughout this pregnancy...I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I don't want to "jinx" this pregnancy; maybe it feels too hard to describe all that I'm feeling, and maybe I can't even fully describe all that I'm feeling. It also doesn't help that there's been other changes in my life that have felt overwhelming. But today, I need to write. Today, I needed to finish a painting, the first painting, since Norah has died. It's called the "Heartbeat of Heaven" and it's a dress made of jewels and a whole lot of other symbolism. It stirred up some pretty deep emotions, mostly towards the end and after the painting. You see, my plan has been, once this painting is finished, to get started on Estella's paintings. There is a gamete of emotions revolving around starting Estella's paintings...firstly, I remember taking Norah's paintings off the wall and putting them in a tupperware container. Secondly, beginning Estella's painting and finishing up Norah's painting, feels like a big turning of the chapter. One I have desperately longed for, and on the other hand, not knowing what to do with.
How do I do this? Feeling the excitement of bringing another little girl into this world, while wishing another one was here? I don't feel guilt for moving forward, like I'm leaving Norah in the dust, and just focusing on Estella. It just simply feels like this closing of a chapter, a chapter that has been a long, hard, painful journey, one that came with so many other life transitions, one that I'm so ready to be rid of, yet one that has become familiar in a way. It's become what I've known. For the last year and 3 months, I have known pain, grief, and heartache on a level I didn't understand. And you know what's weird? Norah dying catapulted me into all this growth, all this change and healing I never thought possible. I feel healthier and like a better person now than when this all began. That does feel a bit weird saying that, but I feel like God used this opportunity to mold me and shape me into the woman I am today. This has now been the life that I know, and now, I have Estella coming. And, most days I believe she's coming, but there are other days I'm scared. I'm scared of another abruption...gosh, I wish I could say that I'm not, but I am. I keep listening to people's reassuring words and I rest into God's words, but I still have my doubts.
I have tried to let Estella in as close to my heart as possible, but I have to be reminded (or Jason does) that this isn't Norah, this isn't the same pregnancy, this is different, and the outcome will be different. My emotions have felt so strongly the other way. I think that's part of the reason I have not shared much on facebook my pregnancy journey, because I am afraid something will happen and this won't be a happy ending. Logically, I know most likely it will be, and yet my emotions are making a ruckus of their own.
So...onto Stella's paintings...onto hope and good things. Onto promises and hope. Onto imagining the best possible outcome unless I'm notified otherwise. Onto clearing out her nursery and possibly thinking about setting up some baby things. Onto allowing myself to feel joy and excitement into her coming into this world. Onto separating my experience from Norah and Estella. Onto knowing that no matter what happens, God is still good, He's still by my side, He's still in control, and He's going to protect me. That's all I need to be focusing on right now and the rest is outside of my control. That's just what I keep telling myself!
Approaching the 34 week mark has been scary and hard, and yet all I can do it live in this current moment. So, here's to living in the today, living in the moment, living in the not yet, and keeping my hands open for the gift of the future to come.
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