April 7th - April 12th

Posted below are two entries from my journal (Jason's journal). Just some background: The morning before we lost Norah (April 7th) I was struggling to trust God with somethings as you will read in my journal. I believe Father God is developing in us, as we mature as God's children, an unshakable faith. I am not saying that what happened  to Nancy and I was part of God's plan to make us stronger nor will I draw definite conclusions about why all of this has happened. I have found it is best to be honest with God in regards to my struggles and doubts. All I know is that we lost our baby girl and God is still good. He knows I struggle and he is there ready to walk through the dark valleys with me. The blessing in the pain is that it is those moments He can be more real than anything else in my life and the intimacy I share with him is everything I long for in life.  Through all of this, as I hold onto Jesus, what was meant for harm makes me stronger. Also, I struggle with different issues and at times I have my doubts and yet he wants to struggle through those with me. So, you may notice I can be very honest with God even when it seems my faith is weak. I don't want to wrestle with doubt alone so I struggle through doubt with him, naked and unashamed. Finally, awhile ago, God told me to stop justifying myself to other people and to be at peace with him. I can't make everyone understand my life or the things I do but if my Heavenly Father understands and approves than everything is good. With that, here is my two entries:

4-7-14

Father, help me to hear you clearly and to have wisdom and understanding. I have battled fear and mistrust when it comes to my understanding of your word and how it applies to my life. I think of Paul and the horrific things he went through. I ask myself "what things will I have to suffer because of obedience?" And yet who can I trust but you? Help me with my lack of understanding and help me to trust you. Help me to rightly understand suffering.

Jason,
     I am not mad at you, nor do I want to drown you. As you learn to walk I will pick you back up. I love you. Trust me, i will never leave nor will I forsake you. Give me a chance to show you and remember what I have shown you.
     I love you!

This was the struggle I had and what I needed to hear from the Lord at about 530 in the morning just before I was to leave for work. About an hour later, Nancy started to have problems with the pregnancy and at about 800 am we were informed we lost our baby. Like I said earlier, God did not cause this to happen to teach me trust or what I must suffer for obedience. He showed Himself faithful through a horrific event and I learned I can trust Him through a terrible time in our life. The next entry was what I wrote the Saturday morning after the loss of Norah.

4-12-14

I am often afraid of the suffering of this world and at times have wondered about the suffering I will experience because of my faith in my Jesus...

      On Monday, the 7th of April, Nancy and I lost our baby girl Norah. Nancy was 34 weeks pregnant, we almost lost Nancy's life. Even with her life intact we almost lost Nancy's ability to have more children. Suffering and pain are a part of the world we live in, its unavoidable, Yet there is great and amazing beauty that does not eliminate the pain but does overshadow it.  Through all of this I may never understand why this happened but I can say that my God is good and I can trust Him. He is the only one who can make promises that will never be broken. His word is 100% trustworthy and it is the only sure foundation I have. He is holding me in his arms and He is walking very close [with me] through all of this. 

I love you Jesus

I Love you Abba

and I love you Holy Spirit

I love you God.

Beloved and Beautiful one,

      You are mine and you are clothed in the spotless robes that my Son bought for you on Calvary. I have felt the pain of losing a child and I am grieving with you. I know this doesn't change this season or eliminate the pain but she is here with me and you will be united with her again, she loves her Mommy and Daddy and knows how much you loved and love her. I am proud of you and am with you, so much. You are a good son. We will walk through this together. Thank you for trusting me and reaching out to me, I Love you Jason.