Guilt

I just discovered last night that I have been feeling guilt this last week. I have felt this cloud over me, this weight on my shoulders, anger and frustration with myself. I have felt the weight of guilt - and I would even say false guilt and shame. Guilt and shame that doesn't belong to me but has tried to sneak its way into my mind - "maybe there's something I could have done," "I shouldn't have done that while pregnant," "I should have done this while pregnant." These feelings of guilt are quite overpowering and irrational, but in the moment they feel like the realest thing.

I have needed friends to remind me that this wasn't my fault. I spoke with a friend today who said that Satan attacks moms when it comes to making them feel guilty, that every mom, on some level, has regrets and feels guilty about their children. That maybe if they would have done something different, that wouldn't have happened to their child. To think I caused something as big as Norah losing her life is a pretty self-centered thought, that I had that much control, especially when I was trying to do everything right. There's only so much I can do and the rest is outside of my control.

Oh yes, and the word control. What can I control, plan, predict, do, etc etc? I would love to think I'm in lots of control and I love to plan, but there are many things that are not up to me. And Lord have mercy, that can drive me nuts.

Guilt and shame block you from experiencing intimacy and love on a deeper level because it says, "there's something wrong with me," and "I'm not good enough." That leaves me feeling frustrated with myself, and literally, like I have a dark cloud over me, shackles on my feet, and a boulder on my shoulders. I have been carrying around guilt; I have been carrying around unnecessary baggage this past week. I have gone through circumstances leading up to Norah's death with a fine tooth comb, wondering if something was manipulated that the outcome would have been different. I can just see how this way of thinking put up more blocks in my relationship with God. He's calling me back to not carry the weight of guilt, to give all of this over to him. And he's doing the most comforting thing of all, reminding me that he's in control and I am not. Feeling small in his arms is a comforting feeling. Peace washes over me and I feel like I can pull up for air and breathe.

I think there are people who live their life in guilt. Who feel responsible for everything bad in their life. I can't imagine carrying around that heavy weight for longer than a week. A week is long enough, and I'm laying it down. I do not want to be in this haze any longer, where I can't think straight. I need clarity and peace and the assurance that Nancy does not control all that is in her world. I can control certain aspects and God will have to teach me what they are, because right now, I need to lay it all down.