Almost a Year

Today I am not sure what to do with myself, so I decided to write in the blog since it's been a while. I can't believe it's almost been one year since Norah was still born, died, and changed our lives changed forever. Jason and I both feel like it's been a long year. As I look back, the first few months were just physically and emotionally recovering from shock and trauma...and then as time passed, we were forced to move on with life. I never thought I'd be able to move on with life after this happened. I felt like I was put into a time capsule and I was not subject to time, schedules, work, responsibilities. Sometimes I would avoid life and want to curl up in a ball and grieve. Other times I wanted to get lost in work and be distracted by something other than my daughter dying inside of me.

In 2014, I lost my child, my closest friend, and business. My life, as I knew it, completely fell apart. I was completely thrown off the tracks of life and had no idea how to recover. The other night I asked Jason if I've changed since losing Norah, and he's noticed a wall I've put up...not towards him or others necessarily, but one towards God and hope and believing in good things happening. I wish that wall wasn't there. I wish I could will it away but everything inside of me is telling me to keep it there, to protect myself. I don't want to stay this way for the rest of my life; I want to be open and loving and trust like a child, but my whole world was torn from me...and I'm honestly still recovering.

A couple days ago someone who hasn't seen me in a while told me my eyes were more beautiful than when she saw me before, not in the physical sense, but in there being a light in my eyes. I was surprised. I would have guessed people see sadness and pain still, but those little comments remind me that God shines his beauty in my brokenness -- my broken world and shattered dreams. God still does conquer my wall of mistrust. He still conquers my wall of self-protection. I've started to feel that he's gotten impatient with me, like I need to come around this corner and not have it affect me spiritually. But, I have a feeling He's waiting for me and is patient during this time.

I still haven't painted since Norah died. The second to last set of paintings I did was for her nursery. There's a part of me that doesn't want to go there and awaken the deeper place, and there's a part of me that knows when I do, everything is going to be okay.

I took work off this Tuesday, April 7th to be with Jason and to celebrate/grieve Norah. It may be that I don't feel sad...I have no idea how I'll feel. I don't feel the wave of grief come like it did at Christmas. All I know is the waves are unpredictable, but they truly are less and less. I am still walking in life; I am not running. I am going at the pace that I can and doing the best that I can and I just need to keep reminding myself of that.