My Prayer

Each morning I wake up and lean into my Maker for strength, sustenance and a peace of mind. Some might wonder how I view God or how I view my faith now that all of this has happened. Maybe it's His grace or maybe it's the established relationship I have with Him, but I view Him as good, not the cause of this mess. I do believe He had the power to stop it, so why He allowed it, I will understand more fully later in life and get the entire picture in heaven. There are whys. There are reasons. We just don't have the capacity to understand them, so I have asked to have the capacity to understand. God rescued me from death and He delivered me. The enemy (Satan) has come into the world to steal, kill and destroy; God is a life-giving power force. He has created life. He has created a woman's womb and body to be able to miraculously make babies and children. Why would He give someone life and breath in their lungs and then take it away?

The big question for me has not been why. The big question has been trust. How can I move forward and trust God with motherhood, with my future children's lives? My mind actually finds peace and quiet in the truth that God is still in control and in the center of all of this. Some may find that strange, but there's a peace in knowing Satan does not have free range on my future; just because this isolated incident was allowed does not mean future incidents will happen. I'm not forcing these beliefs on anyone. This is how I find comfort, how I make sense of things...and maybe it will change with time. Others who have been through tragedy may totally disagree with me, and that's okay.

When you look at the people in the Bible and some of our spiritual heroes, God did not spare them from pain and heartache, even suffering. He took what happened to them and exchanged it for beauty. Beauty from ashes. Joy for mourning. Garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. A double portion for their shame. The beautiful exchange from death on a cross to a resurrection three days later. The beautiful exchange of a humble birth in a manger to being seated with God as the King of Kings. There's a paradox in the beautiful exchange that first feels like a failure but always leads to eternal victory.

This moment is a strong moment. You can feel the determination in this blog. Why can't this feeling last? I feel strong. But it's also okay to feel weak. I felt weak last night. I cried in anguish and I felt the urge to squeeze my head so I could stop thinking so much about this. But, whether I squeeze my head or not, this will be on my mind for a while! I wonder when it will not have the sting...I look forward to that day. Until then, I walk each day out with the grace He gives me for each step.