Spring comes but it feels like winter is still here. As the due date approaches, it becomes harder in some ways. I had plans to take Norah to the beach, to get her dressed up and take her to my brother's wedding and show her off, to go on walks with her wrapped on my chest. Jason works on the weekends so I was looking forward to Mommy and Norah time, to have a little buddy with me wherever I went. I don't want the spring and summer to feel empty. I feel like I just got out of the longest winter of my life, not to mention being pregnant for nearly 9 months...and what do I have to show for it? Empty arms and shattered dreams.
There's a feeling that washes over me every once in a while, and it feels like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. I figured it out a few days ago. I feel homesick. You know how you feel when you're a child and you don't want to be away from your parents, you just want to be home with them. That's how I feel with her. I'm homesick for my own flesh and blood to be here, with me, in my home, in my arms, looking me in the eyes.
I've been having a lot of dreams ever since getting home from the hospital, mostly with my family in them. Last night I had a dream I was relaxing on a lake talking to a friend and these waves started coming. At first I was enjoying them, laughing...they were kind of fun. But then they started getting bigger and bigger and they started consuming me and I got caught up in the under current and while I was underneath the water I wondered if I would drown. I wasn't scared of them though. Then I washed up to the shore, still alive, where my family came to find me. I think it represents the time in the hospital and everything that happened on Monday, April 7th.
Today the sun is shining. The earth is still moving. People are still going on with their lives. Does that mean I have to as well? Or can I just sit here and let my world stay stopped? It's not that I don't want my world to be in motion; I would love that. But the days blur together and I feel like it's slow motion, unable to run parallel with the world's busyness and time frame. Lord, I pray this spring and summer would bring new life and hope. I pray the scales of death would be shed from my eyes so I can see and appreciate new life in every way. Everyday wash this pain, grief, and hurt off of me so that I don't have to be a carrier of it. Help me to be released into new life, new hope, and new joys. Help me to be patient with myself and give myself the grace needed for every day. Pour out your tender mercies over me day to day. Love, Nancy
Nancy thank you for being so transparent. Your posts are refreshing as they are raw and real and they give hope to the world that God is good even in the midst of heartache. He has given you a voice and a place to speak freely into the hearts of fellow travelers on this journey of life, rough as it may be sometimes. Thank you.
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