Today I wake up with paralyzing grief, heartache, and pain. What was supposed to be a joyous celebration for me today is a day of disappointment. The waves of grief feel stronger this weekend and it feels like it takes all my strength to get up and walk towards the kitchen. I make it to the kitchen and my husband has a mother's day card for me on the counter. I'm a mother to Norah and our step-children but none of them are with me today. One died, one doesn't like me and three are warming up to me more and more and do love me.
I feel like I'm bleeding inside; something feels like it's dying but I'm still alive. My heart aches for what is gone and who I won't be able to hold on this earth. She's my little Norah, mommy's little angel. Norah made me a mommy and I love her deeply. Why can't she just be here with me?
I don't have an appetite. I can't tell when I'm hungry or full so I just eat out of obligation to my body. I'm hoping my appetite will come back. This morning especially, forcing myself to eat breakfast. I wish there was this special pill to make the grief go away, something to escape, but my present reality keeps hitting me over and over again making me feel like I can barely catch my breath. I'm sad about what losing Norah means. It means I have to now wait even longer to hold my baby in my arms; I'm sad I have to go through another nine months of pregnancy to have my own child; I'm sad I have to be monitored so closely because something that only happens to 1 in 100,000 people just so happened to me. And I'm pissed off. The anger has settled in more. I have yelled in our house and I recently started swearing. It really helps when you're trying to express your anger. Jason just had to close the bedroom window the other night when I was swearing at a situation...so our neighbors wouldn't hear! (that makes me laugh)
It feels good to be angry. After all, this was a huge injustice. I feel so angry that she was taken away from me without my consent. The waves of anger are just as strong as the waves of grief. All of these feelings need to be validated. I have a hard time validating anger because I don't want to be an angry person and yet I need to know it's okay to feel anger in order to fully let it go.
Loneliness is something I have to fight. I feel misunderstood, touchy and sensitive too. My deep emotions feel like a curse right now. I know they are wonderful when I paint, am passionate about things, love people, am creative, get excited or inspired...but right now, they feel like a full-time job!
I envision being a mommy some day, to my own natural, living children. I long for that day to come and I look forward to it. Norah will never be replaced, but the deep longing in my heart to take care of and be a mommy to my own child will be fulfilled.
I pray the beauty would rise from the ashes, I pray life would rise up from death. I pray for justice for the innocent blood that was shed. I pray for the biggest comeback story, full of hope and healing. Until then, I am left here waiting, hanging onto unfulfilled promises of the future.
I am sad and angry for you, Nancy. My heart broke down for you at church on Sunday. You and the other women I know who have lost children way too early... Women who never get to experience pregnancy or the joy of two pink lines. Its not fair. Its not fair that women who should NEVER have kids can pump them out. Its not fair that people can do everything wrong and have no consequences and others can do everything right and lose everything. I pray that God protect you and your future children- that your next pregnancy can be healing, safe and everything you need it to be... I pray that there are no long-term health consequences for you and this time of healing goes quickly. You are a wonderful mother and I hope your future is full of hugs, sticky fingers, artwork for the fridge and tiny shoes leaving muddy footprints through your house. Blessings to you my friend.
ReplyDeletethank you so much Naomi. You truly are a woman of compassion and I appreciate your encouragement and all that you have to say. I pray the rest of your pregnancy is full of joy, rest, and peace. I am hoping for a bright future ahead, even though it's hard to fully trust that I know that it will come.
ReplyDelete<3 Sending you love today and every day.
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