New Clothes

Last week I began a project where I began throwing out old clothes. Some clothes were from college, some from when I interned or first started working. I was surprised at how my clothes were outdated and worn out. I thought to myself, "Why have I not noticed this before? I thought I would notice this." But, my clothes weren't "me" anymore. It was this interesting revelation that led me to think more deeply about who I am as a woman. It felt good to throw away old clothes, to rid myself of things that didn't feel relevant or reflective of who I am as a woman. Not to mention that when you get rid of old clothes, the exciting part is you are going to need to get new clothes.

Right now I am in limbo with body size and shape. Most women who have been pregnant or even just mature and get older understand what I am talking about. You keep your pregnancy clothes, tucking them away for next time. You keep in between sized clothes for the times your body is in limbo and not fully back to where it used to be so it really becomes this complicated process...especially when you don't have a huge closet and you need to store clothes in tupperware boxes!

This whole process feels deeply significant to me and I cannot shake it. I began window shopping in stores where I used to buy clothes and I feel like these stores don't fit my style anymore. Okay, so I know what doesn't fit my style; I know what I don't want to wear...but what do I want to wear? Who is this woman who is all of the sudden in her late 20's, almost 30? I am convinced this is something each woman goes through and it's more than a wardrobe change; it's more than trying to find your style and what suits you; it is a recognition that you have found yourself entering into a whole new stage of womanhood.

I know who I once was has changed, not entirely, but enough to where it feels significant. I think when you have been through a tragedy it changes you forever. I also think God uses it as an opportunity to catapult you into new levels of identity, authority, understanding, etc. A process that could have taken 10 years for me to walk through in Him molding me and shaping me may only take days because I feel like silly putty in His hands. He reminds me that I'm still clay and I ask Him to mold and shape me in this vulnerable state. A time where I could be molded and shaped by many things of this world, but Lord, it's your hands that are capable of molding me and shaping me into the woman you desire me to become. My capacity to hold more of Him has increased because the tragedy and grief empties me of myself, making more room for His light, glory and beauty.

The other day He brought me to Isaiah 62. The title of the chapter was, "Zion's New Name." This was while I was trying to figure out why getting rid of my old clothes and getting new clothes was such a big deal to me. He's using it to symbolize a deeper supernatural process He's leading me through. There is a shedding of the old self and putting on the new self; a shedding of the old identity, a taking on of the new identity; a shedding of the old name and taking on the new name. We might as well use this opportunity for Him to mold me; let's just add it to the whole process I'm already going through. In Isaiah 62, it says that the Lord will give her a new name; from His mouth he will bestow the new name.

This all feels fresh and new to me. It makes me excited to know what is in store for my future in regards to my identity. I want to wear the garments and take on the identity he wants me to take on. I just don't know what that is yet. I don't know what that looks like. So while I'm in limbo, I wait on Him to give me my new name, to guide me on the path He has set before me and take one step at a time. I realize it's okay to be in limbo, it's okay to not know and it's okay to wait for now. It's even better to have the faith to let go of the old clothes, the old ways and allow my feet to be set on a new path. It could be easier to keep the old clothes until I get the new ones, but I feel like my eyes of faith are looking over a horizon, waiting for what will soon come.