He makes me brave

I can hear Him through the voices and testimonies of His people. Usually I can hear God through His Word or the impressions he lays on my heart and that is my daily bread. But right now I hear him through the voices of His people. I have chosen to go down the path and journey of having more children, despite the recent complications. When I was first in the hospital for the first day, I told myself I would never get pregnant again. I didn't think I would be able to handle a loss like that. When the doctors tell you that you were on the line between life and death, your mind goes into this survival mode. You think that life is so fragile and your most recent traumatic experiences have a way of dictating fear into your future. It did take away my hope of becoming a mother for a while, and I still have to battle those thoughts and fears daily - but, the desire and longing to be a mom is far deeper, far greater, and far stronger than any fear that I have encountered.

Brave and courageous women who have lost children have been entering into my life. God has brought certain ones to me, connecting me in a strong way with them. There is a sisterhood, an understanding of the call and destiny to become a mother and all the beauty it brings into life. My heart feels like it is being woven together with women who have different stories, especially women who have experienced life after death and loss. Their testimonies breathe hope into my heart, and that is how God is speaking to me right now - through the stories of women and how He has brought hope into their hearts and families. I feel like there is this tapestry that is being woven together - the stories of brave and courageous women thread together with a beautiful array of colors and journeys. And I feel my heart connecting in a deep way that has forever changed me.

A few days ago, anger and depression washed over me like a wave and I felt stuck. It felt consuming and powerful. I so badly wanted it to go away, but no matter how much I willed for it to go, it stayed and ran its course through me. Once it left I felt a relief. Up until that point I had done what I knew. I was going for walks, calling friends and not isolating, eating regular meals...but it felt there was no way in avoiding it. I wrote God a letter, telling Him how mad and disappointed I was in Him. Sometimes I feel bad about being angry with Him, but then I recognize He understands me and He knows my emotions better than I even do and He knows how I am created.

Today the sun shines and I feel hopeful. I suppose different days bring different emotions and I am trying to accept that. I am trying to take one day at a time. I keep having this urge to fast forward through life until my next child is living and breathing in my arms. I told that to Jason last night..."Can we just fast forward through life until that moment?" And he said, "No, we can't because I want all the days and moments with you that I can have, even the hard and painful days." And then I realize I need to live and savor each moment of each day of my life, despite my desires being unfulfilled and my heart aching and longing for more. The truth is, I will always ache and long for more on earth. My desires will not be completely fulfilled until heaven, where I can see Jesus and hold my little girl Norah. So today I push through, take steps forward, appreciate the journey, and live life for today.