Memories that never came

This morning I woke up thinking of my precious baby girl and all that I can't share with her. A week or two before Norah died I had a baby shower with my friends in Superior. My high school friends threw me a beautiful shower, and it was so much fun. I had fun opening presents for Norah, which included lots of cute little outfits that she could wear this summer. I dreamed of what she would wear this summer...out and about, to the beach or pool, to my brother's wedding. The week before she died I went and got her a bunch of onesies and sleepers and began looking for what she could wear to my brother's wedding. Two to three weeks before she died Jason and I set up her crib and I hung up her paintings that I painted for her. We would walk in the room and picture getting up with her in the middle of the night. The weekend before she died Jason took a Saturday off and we went to a labor and delivery class. We toured the hospital. I remember looking at the c-section room and thinking, I won't have to go in that room.

Norah dying wasn't our plan. Our plan was to go into delivery, have her at the hospital, and then bring her home, go to the 6 week check-up with a healthy baby and recovering mom, and go about our lives with our new addition. My plan wasn't to wake up a month and a half later and not have my baby girl here with me, having the memory of her dead in my arms play through my head.

Jason and I were planning on me taking 3 months off when Norah arrived. I have still taken 3 months off work and I'm glad that I have this option. I don't go back to work till the beginning of July and this break has been nice for many reasons physically and emotionally, especially since I'm a therapist and I have to be an emotional support for others. The plan is to start out at 2 days a week, which is also nice, because I can ease my way back into work and don't have to feel the pressure to do more if I can't for a while.

We were going to have another baby shower here in the cities the Saturday after she died that my sister-in-law was going to put on. All our plans involved Norah, so how in the hell do I move forward without her? What am I supposed to do now? What do I do when I'm not working? I don't want to fill my life with more things that don't involve her. I want her to be here, in my life. In a way, I'm still in shock. It's shocking to me what happened.

Then the other day I began researching what others think are causes for abruptions. For any of you who have had miscarriages or your babies die in your tummy, you've probably asked the same question. What did I do? What made this happen? My mind has went through everything: nutrition, stress level, what I did leading up to that point, etc. etc. The doctors haven't given me anything, so naturally my mind craves an answer and wants to know. Medically speaking, a complete abruption, like the one I had, is a fluke thing. There is no known source of cause; there is speculation and some factors that correlate with having an abruption but no hard evidence that points in any direction. Norah was a normal birth weight and looked perfect, so she was getting all the proper nutrition that she needed. If only I could have an answer, but I'm not sure that will happen. The doctor did some blood tests last week to see if anything looked off, and it looks like everything has come back normal.

So how do I move forward with all of this? How do I remain brave during my next pregnancy? I have joked around with some people that I want to live at the hospital my 3rd trimester. Although I know that's probably not possible, it sure would make me feel better.

The kids have been sad and disappointed that Norah isn't here. They were really looking forward to being the older siblings and helping me take care of the baby. I was really looking forward to seeing Norah being taken care of by the older siblings. That would have been so much fun. Now we just wait. And take one step at a time and move forward, at times with a heavy heart and at other times with a lightness. Friends, if you are able, please keep praying for physical and emotional healing. Pray that even though doctors and others cannot find the reason, that God would mend and heal and prevent in the future whatever caused this. If I am supposed to arrive to an answer and find some solution, pray that he would lead me there.

Love,
Nancy